Lots of things have been worked on (again) and changing (again) around here! The first is that some of the bustle of the everyday has finally calmed down. The stress over certain things has not but it has become much easier for me to deal with, we’ll get to that.
The second is that I have a friend that I rely on to be a sounding board for my crazy or in-depth thoughts and he is always patient and kind but also realistic, truthful and mostly wise! See I’m what they call a ‘ruminater’, I play conversations and situation over and over again in my head for hours and even days at a time. I have found that when I do this it’s because I’m looking for an answer, to something …. it’s not always obvious what or why but I do know that once I’ve figured it out the whole cycle stops! Having this reliable sounding board is a gift to be certain! Thank you Friend! 😉
So I mentioned to him that I have an “Ask and ye shall receive’ type relationship. There really is nothing the Bear won’t do for me but of course He still can’t read my mind, especially this warped one! *chuckle* So he tells me to Ask Him!! 😛 Of course I know this but it’s really very difficult for me to do, I have finally figured out why!
I used to think it was some submissive myth that was getting me, some idea that you should not ask for what you need, that making your wants clear and known would be topping … blah, blah, blah! Truth is I know that’s not true, I’ve written and counseled others about that many times. Trying to work it out that way didn’t work because that wasn’t the answer.
We had a rescue pup over for a ‘play date’ with my dogs the other day. She is cute as a button, very well-behaved for a pup and has never really been cared for properly. She is skin and bones and probably much smaller than she should be from being malnourished and locked up. So she came over for some rehab, she’s doing great but she doesn’t bark, ever!
This got us on a conversation about why, she likely never got a favourable response from barking so she stopped all together, much like what they say about orphans. They don’t cry because it never got a response to meet their needs. So they remain silent.
My gosh, that’s it! I don’t ask for things, not because I think I shouldn’t or that it’s wrong but because it is ingrained in my system that asking for what you need DOES NOT produce favourable results, it does not work. This is what life taught me, this is what I need to reprogram.
Second conversation, ‘Active submission only works when it is noticed and appreciated’ – Absolutely, like when I …. umm, … what have I been doing lately to be actively fueling this fire?!?! Hummm
The lil’ rabbit is great when all is well and according to plan, but for this I needed my warrior out to play! I got myself up off my duff, shook off the dust and put the feisty back in play! The Bear prefers to have a feisty, spunky fireball to control anyway!
So about 2 weeks ago I told Him I was done with all this D/s crap! Hey I’m not the only one in this relationship, He has some responsibility here too. I figured if He really didn’t want to do this than I just gave Him an out and I could go back to taking care of me, no more waiting around …. I don’t ‘wait around’ well! I’m a doer!
Well that did it, I guess He wanted this more than He thought He did ….. that woke the Bear out of hibernation!
I took this past weekend to push everything aside but me and Us! Got my attitude back and started talking and asking and doing! *giggle*
I was laid out last week with a horrible throat infection, the Bear is sick this week with something also – so far the fires are burning strong despite the lack of energy. All the ‘stuff’ from before is still here but it is no longer suffocating us.
I need to keep the balance between the warrior and the bunny, I can’t be just one. And with that hangup figured out it should be much easier to do now!
Better look out Bear, the bunny’s got fire in her eyes now! 😛 *raspberries*