Gardens, memories …. and a little D/s

For the last few years Sir and I have been working on the gardens, front garden, side garden, around and up the driveway even …. flowers are as far as the eye can see! 😀

A few years back we started taking some private trips, just for us, He and I … no kids, no other reason than to be alone and enjoy each other. It was about the same time we started playing around with the ideals and rituals of Domination and submission. They are very much the only moments we get to be alone and focus only on ourselves for a couple of days out of every year.

One of my most favourite places to visit is Niagara-on-the-Lake in the middle of the summer when all the wine and culinary tours are in full swing! Normally we spend one full day on a wine tour by bus, lots of interesting people and places and no need to drive or find parking, next we’ll do a historical tour and perhaps even a late evening ghost tour! They really are the most fun and often provide much more detailed history and folklore than you can find anywhere else. The very first one I went on in Niagara Falls took me to the original home where slaves would hide out after fleeing across the river from the US to Canada. The home was owned by a doctor and his wife and they helped the injured and hid them until they could continue on. You can imagine the stories that came from the ghosts of the ones who didn’t make it …..

Anyway, back to the tours, the streets are filled with manicured flower beds and hanging baskets full of vivid lively colours, as far as the eye can see. One of the first rules we had when out and about was that I hold His hand and must ask if I’d like to go and look at something in a store or just over … where ever it might be. Apparently I’m small enough and fast enough that Sir used to have a very hard time keeping track of me, who knew?!?! :O I remember the look of contentment and smile on His face when I would stop and ask, please Sir? And of course all the pretty flowers in the back ground.

One of the first times He made it known He claimed me in public was at the bar area of the wine tour, He came up behind me and rested one hand on either side of the bar around me, effectively holding me captive and contained for all to see! 😀 I do believe that was the best wine sample I’ve ever had! *giggle*

So every year we would come home and every year I would add a few more baskets and a few more flowers, my entire driveway is now lined and Sir makes sure to park the vehicles back far enough that I get a full view from my kitchen and family room windows.

He knows that my flowers and gardens mean a lot to me, and there are a few other reasons too, but what He likely doesn’t realize is how much they keep me connected to Him.

Every time I turn my head and the colours catch my eye, every time I get a chance to just sit with a cup of coffee and look out to enjoy them, every time I walk up the drive … I feel the heat from the sun on my skin, my hand in His and the feeling of belonging.

Yeah the kinky sex is fun but that’s not the point of D/s, at least it’s not the point of mine. I guess He knows the rest of why I like my gardens now …. *giggle*

Love You Always my Wonderful Sir! ❤

 

Drawing Parallels

Brand new day and back to work after a bit more than a week off, brand new hours and a new group to work with …. so of course in the midst of all my ‘flying by the seat of my pants’ I draw parallels to D/s relationships! *giggle*

It links back in a way to the last post and the original idea that got me started. If I cut to the chase, the idea is ‘should a Dominant expect a submissive to be ‘preset’? To be and act the way the Dominant wants/prefers …. right from the beginning of the relationship and without having to first invest time and effort to guide and change certain aspects of the submissive (always consensual of course)  from the default to the preferred?

If the submissive doesn’t exactly fit your ideal or definition but is more than happy and willing to try to be molded into whatever that is, and yes this should be talked through and consented to well in advance, should it not then become the Dominant’s responsibility to throw the preconceptions they had out the window, start fresh and work as a team to guide and shape the outcome that they BOTH should want and aspire to? If the Dominant does not want that responsibility – does He/She deserve the right?

Just because you had a previous D/s relationship doesn’t mean you should expect your ‘new’ submissive to act just the same as the last. I will also go as far as saying that once the players change so to does the entire dynamic even if it is based on the same ideals and concepts. The picture in your mind should change along with the people involved in the dynamic, me thinks …. I’ve said before Comparing kills any relationship, and quickly!

Lastly for now, I absolutely don’t understand the idea that ” I shouldn’t have to tell you and spell it out, you should just take it upon yourself and figure it out or somehow know what it is I want”.  This seems like a very vanilla attitude to me.

Part of what I like about this dynamic is that there is no guess-work, everything is communicated openly and honestly. Likes, dislikes, wants, needs … hopes and dreams. What my idea of a dominant is, what your idea of a submissive is, what that looks like even down to the most minuet detail if that’s what needs to be done. I found this especially necessary when going from vanilla to D/s and only 1 party really had any knowledge  …. or clue for that matter.

Sometimes the desire is there but the will power is not, that’s when rules and protocols are put in place to help reach the goals. I’ll use a very personal example, I wanted to quit smoking, Sir wanted me to quit smoking …. I never really got around to it. Not because I didn’t care enough for His wishes or that my investment wasn’t as great, it was because I needed Him to give me a deadline. I needed a date and the accountability that comes from that in order to get it done.

I suppose He could have sat back and said that if it mattered to me enough and I wanted to please Him enough I would quit anyway. That makes perfect *logical* sense …. but I needed a date. Instead of questioning if I really was invested in being His and wanting to quit, He simply looked at the calendar and gave me a date. That will be 4 years ago next week.

So would it have been right for Him to sit back and complain that I wasn’t doing it right, I should have just followed through on my own or was the truly Dominant act recognizing my need for a date and providing for that need  …. instead of making it into something else, something that it wasn’t?

So was I a bad submissive or is the real truth that He is a good dominant?

Another example is in how He likes to be ‘approached‘, this was a long time work in progress and I admit many, many things have changed from how I ‘used’ to act. Things were the way they were for whatever the reason, He didn’t waste time complaining about that He invested time in talking and working through all we needed to do in order to get where we are, where we are both happy, comfortable and fulfilled.

We don’t have a relationship like anyone else’s and we don’t have one that mirrors a previous one either, we have our own, and it’s so much better that way too!

So what say you? Clear as mud? I know there are many ideas and themes here …. pick what you’d like to touch on … 😀

Ways of submitting – Mail order submissive??

This is more of a thinking out loud kind of thing than it is an information post. I read something a while back that got me thinking on the subject and since my holidays are coming to an end and I think it will be highly unlikely that I have time to write much until the new kids and schedule has the kinks (yes I went there!! lol ;P) worked out, I thought I’d take a few minutes to at least start to try to get this ‘down’.

The idea comes to me from the perspective of married couples (or committed) who started to practice BDSM and D/s long after the commitment was already made. Basically one partner will normally initiate the conversation and ask for the lifestyle after doing research or even practicing some but the second partner really has no knowledge or experience in it.

Most of the exposure I have had to this is from the submissive perspective and also the one initiating the dynamic, so keep that in mind … I am interested to see what the dominants or aspiring dominants out there think on this topic, as well as any submissives who want to chime in! 😉

Now my thoughts are that if you are just starting out in the D/s or similar dynamic and looking for a partner than you have your lists of things you look for, things you want and the way you wish your DOM or sub to act and react. When you are in an existing relationship and trying to make a transition I think things need to be a bit more of a compromise in order for it to work. Less of a fantasy in your mind and more of a real life scenario ….

From my experiences over the past few years I have seen and learned that the DOM we want or have pictured in our mind is not usually the one we end up with. Now this doesn’t mean it’s not real or not fulfilling, it’s just simply not that picture we had originally. The wants and needs of every DOM is different and the way in which they choose to lead is also different. What I have learned is that just because my original idea of what submitting to my husband looked like is not exactly the reality doesn’t mean it’s any less fulfilling or valid or of service.

So, how does this translate from the Dominant perspective? What if it’s the Dominant that has initiated and researched and become savvy in the dynamic but the submissive is the one who does not fit into the mental fantasy all worked out before hand? What if the needs of this particular submissive are different than the assumed needs the Dominant had all worked out in their minds?

One example that keeps hopping through my mind – some submissives are good at and want to anticipate the needs of the Dominant, they want and do and act in a way that has everything read and figured out a head of time so as to please their DOM. Others I have met prefer to have things spelled out exactly, lists of things to do, how to do them, how to act and even what to say in certain situations. Some like to have time lines and deadlines and others prefer to try and anticipate and outdo anything that the DOM might like or require even before the dominant has had a chance to think of it themselves.

So than, if the dominant asking the newly consented submissive ends up with someone who’s needs are different then what they anticipated does the dominant then not have the responsibility to compromise and provide for those needs first? I guess in my mind this is where the dominant takes charge, starts by providing for the needs of the submissive and then through guidance and training (consented to upfront of course) starts to mold the submissive into the creature that they have dreamed of and wanted …

Does the fact that your newly acquired submissive does not act and react they way you thought mean that they can’t do this to your liking or does it simply mean that you need to put YOUR preconceptions aside, work with what you have been gifted and slowly mold it into what you want.

I know that from my submissive side I had to put away my preconceptions and we slowly worked towards our end goal, not just mine. So what say you??

Sometimes you ‘stall’ at the strangest places.

Things with Sir and I are pretty easy flowing usually. I don’t really spend much times thinking or focusing on the normal everyday rules and protocols. They are just part of who we are and how we act and react towards each other, pretty much instinctual. I guess it makes it that much more ‘interesting’ to me when something comes up that reminds me. *giggle*

It’s not a big deal, just a happenstance but I felt like saying ‘hi all’ so I thought I’d jot it down.

While out and about yesterday I found myself standing in front of a door to an establishment and I kind of ‘froze’. Like it took my brain and body a few seconds to figure out what to do. You see when Sir and I are out He opens all doors and allows me in, not I. Yesterday we were out together but He went to the bank first and instructed me to go and wait for Him in the store instead …..

It took a minute for me to go from ‘we’re together’ to ‘right, I open the door this time’.

Times like these remind me that just because I don’t find my submission difficult or just because it doesn’t feel like we have lots of things in place doesn’t mean that they are not there. I guess it means that they are simply settled in quite nicely!

Things like this are such a part of who we are that I don’t really notice when I’m doing them, I notice when I’m not …..

I drove for the first time on Thursday in I couldn’t even tell you how long. That was quite a trip!! *giggle* I’ve had more than one friend assume I didn’t drive because Sir is always at the wheel! They are always quite shocked after seeing me drive.

Happy Saturday All!

Love You Always Sir ❤