Brand new day and back to work after a bit more than a week off, brand new hours and a new group to work with …. so of course in the midst of all my ‘flying by the seat of my pants’ I draw parallels to D/s relationships! *giggle*
It links back in a way to the last post and the original idea that got me started. If I cut to the chase, the idea is ‘should a Dominant expect a submissive to be ‘preset’? To be and act the way the Dominant wants/prefers …. right from the beginning of the relationship and without having to first invest time and effort to guide and change certain aspects of the submissive (always consensual of course) from the default to the preferred?
If the submissive doesn’t exactly fit your ideal or definition but is more than happy and willing to try to be molded into whatever that is, and yes this should be talked through and consented to well in advance, should it not then become the Dominant’s responsibility to throw the preconceptions they had out the window, start fresh and work as a team to guide and shape the outcome that they BOTH should want and aspire to? If the Dominant does not want that responsibility – does He/She deserve the right?
Just because you had a previous D/s relationship doesn’t mean you should expect your ‘new’ submissive to act just the same as the last. I will also go as far as saying that once the players change so to does the entire dynamic even if it is based on the same ideals and concepts. The picture in your mind should change along with the people involved in the dynamic, me thinks …. I’ve said before Comparing kills any relationship, and quickly!
Lastly for now, I absolutely don’t understand the idea that ” I shouldn’t have to tell you and spell it out, you should just take it upon yourself and figure it out or somehow know what it is I want”. This seems like a very vanilla attitude to me.
Part of what I like about this dynamic is that there is no guess-work, everything is communicated openly and honestly. Likes, dislikes, wants, needs … hopes and dreams. What my idea of a dominant is, what your idea of a submissive is, what that looks like even down to the most minuet detail if that’s what needs to be done. I found this especially necessary when going from vanilla to D/s and only 1 party really had any knowledge …. or clue for that matter.
Sometimes the desire is there but the will power is not, that’s when rules and protocols are put in place to help reach the goals. I’ll use a very personal example, I wanted to quit smoking, Sir wanted me to quit smoking …. I never really got around to it. Not because I didn’t care enough for His wishes or that my investment wasn’t as great, it was because I needed Him to give me a deadline. I needed a date and the accountability that comes from that in order to get it done.
I suppose He could have sat back and said that if it mattered to me enough and I wanted to please Him enough I would quit anyway. That makes perfect *logical* sense …. but I needed a date. Instead of questioning if I really was invested in being His and wanting to quit, He simply looked at the calendar and gave me a date. That will be 4 years ago next week.
So would it have been right for Him to sit back and complain that I wasn’t doing it right, I should have just followed through on my own or was the truly Dominant act recognizing my need for a date and providing for that need …. instead of making it into something else, something that it wasn’t?
So was I a bad submissive or is the real truth that He is a good dominant?
Another example is in how He likes to be ‘approached‘, this was a long time work in progress and I admit many, many things have changed from how I ‘used’ to act. Things were the way they were for whatever the reason, He didn’t waste time complaining about that He invested time in talking and working through all we needed to do in order to get where we are, where we are both happy, comfortable and fulfilled.
We don’t have a relationship like anyone else’s and we don’t have one that mirrors a previous one either, we have our own, and it’s so much better that way too!
So what say you? Clear as mud? I know there are many ideas and themes here …. pick what you’d like to touch on … 😀