What is a dominant?

When it comes to life

When it comes to sex

When it comes to leading a submissive

What is a dominant’s role and how do you fulfill that role? Or is it simply my way or the highway? Is being dominant all about what the submissive should be/has to be doing for you?

When a submissive/or want to be submissive comes to you with open arms and says show me, what do you do? What are your first steps?

When a submissive lies before you, open and honest and following to the best of their ability, what should your response be?

If you go through all of this and can’t recognize the emotions within, is that their failing?

My experience with submission has brought me freedom and peace, never have I felt a failure, never have I felt not good enough in the eyes of my dominant.

My experience with dominance however has always brought me a feeling of servitude, because only then am I doing my job properly and taking care of those who have allowed me to lead.

Thoughts?

Happy Tuesday All!

Love You Always my Wonderful Sir ❤

Why D/s? (sexually speaking)

I don’t normally write about the sexual aspect of my relationship and I still have no intention of going into any personal details but I was thinking about how would I explain to a friend what and why I would choose to be sexually submissive to my husband, for the sake of the sex alone.

There was much more that needed to be in place before any of this was ever thought of for me. Firstly I’m not submissive in the slightest and secondly I had seen and dealt with enough domineering donkey’s in my past that the idea of trying this never appealed to me. All the ground work was set first and there are well over 500 posts for you to read that in should you choose! 😉 So on with the sex of it …

In my view the point of BDSM and D/s sexually speaking (yes there is much, much more, I said that already) is for the DOM to push the submissive to the brink of ecstasy. The Dom is in charge of playing and finding the things that make the submissive squirm and yelp and beg for more. This requires practice and patience not only to experiment and find the ‘key’ but also to hold oneself back in order to focus on providing for the submissive. Sometimes it may seem like the Dom is actually ‘taking’, like [your kink here] for example, but if this is something that gets the submissive ‘off’ or puts them into a subspace trance then the truth is that the act is more for the giver than it is for the taker.

The main difference between a scene or sex that the sub wants as opposed to simply being ‘used’ is that the submissive gets to be fulfilled. Bondage, humiliation, sensation play and multiple orgasms along with impact play are all things that make it fulfilling for the submissive. “Bend over and get your hands back here” however is the being ‘used’ part and for the Dom. That is not to say that the submissive doesn’t enjoy such acts and also craves to provide them because we do! It’s the balance of both that maintains the relationship in a happy place.

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It should be up to the dominant and part of their responsibility to look for and act out these ‘roller coaster’ types of encounters when the orgasms are many with slower sensual play between in order to provide the smallest amount of respite and then ramp things back up once more to the next orgasm. This type of play is for and mostly about the submissive regardless of how it appears from the outside.

Once the submissive is basically putty in your hands and simply can’t go on you can either force one more “O” 😉 or, providing it is safe to do so, now would be the time for ‘get your hands back here and spread those cheeks little girl”!

As much as a cycle of spanking, sex and orgasm is fun it is simply not the same.

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Wouldn’t you agree??

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Some submissive’s are not into impact play, some are not into humiliation some are not into what ever else you might think …. the fact is that as a submissive I get better and more fulfilling sex. It’s not that the sex wasn’t good before but there are so many other things to do and try and so many other ways to make myself feel good, all under the “ruse” of being used by and doing for my  Dominant.

The truth is that during D/s style sex I get much more play specific to ME and my likes and wants. The only way to push me to the brink of ecstasy is to first know and understand all MY wants and desires not His own. My wants become His wants because ultimately what Sir needs is to drive me completely and utterly crazy with lust for Him. His want to control my need and my reaction is only fulfilled by first learning and perfecting what it is that turns me on!

So why would I want to be submissive sexually to my husband? Because it gives Him a greater understanding of what I want sexually and in turn better fulfills my sexual needs. Seems perfectly fair than for me to fulfill His needs too, don’t you think?

Being sexually submissive doesn’t mean it’s all about Him at all – truthfully, it’s now so much more about me! 😉 LOL

If your dominant can’t provide for your *needs* before their *wants* then perhaps they are not for you … !?!

Love You Always Sir! ❤  (Such a Yummy Weekend!) 😉

What if they find out? (you might not like this)

Friends, colleagues, family members …. I personally have never really understood the big deal behind it but I guess it’s once again all in your perspective.

Why should I have to be fearful or concerned that someone might find out I have a great deal of respect for the man I married? I can tell you now that anyone who knows me knows I respect my husband, value His presence in this marriage and always have. I have never hidden the fact that I would check with Him first on anything, long before D/s or kink was ever-present in our relationship.

Why do you need a dynamic, or title to know that you should value each other and look to each other for help and guidance, that you should treat each other with respect and that what one says and thinks should be taken seriously by the other? Why is this such a big deal exactly? Seems to me the ones not using these ideals in their relationships should be the ones worried about being found out.

Yes I am well aware of and grew up with what ‘society values’ but I also have a brain of my own. Grab a history book, society has had plenty of misplaced values.

I don’t talk about or promote kinky sex, but I never did it with vanilla sex either! I’ve never been one to share my ‘dirty laundry’ – personal issues are just that, personal. You talk about them and figure them out with the person that’s involved, you don’t spread gossip about them or behind their back but yet haven’t the balls to clear it up face to face. Husbands and wives included ….

It really kills me that so many people had to find some dynamic to figure out how to be a positive, kind and respectful human being. As to kink and spankings, keep them to yourself. If someone wants to know they will ask you, if they don’t then respect them enough not to force feed it to them. I have no interest in what my friends do behind closed doors, it doesn’t make me intolerant of their kink or lack there of, it makes me respect their privacy and value mine.words

I can state and show that I respect my husband’s wishes and follow His lead without going into kinky or sexual details and if someone doesn’t respect that then they don’t deserve mine ….

Trying to force my kink on them however is unnecessary and from my part – rude.

I call my husband Mr. ____ when we are out with others and I have even said Sir from time to time, that is simply a sign of respect after all but referring to Him as Daddy or Master in these parts would be awkward and basically forcing my kink, so I don’t.

I wear my cuffs but they are discreet and I don’t let parts of myself or my kink be put on display, I am a lady first and foremost. If you choose a different way of being so be it but don’t be surprised if others look or even stare!

When my hair is green or purple I don’t get off put because others look and talk. I’m doing and showing something that is very obviously different then than rest, to be upset because they were confused or stunned would be ridiculous of me, and yes some will simply disapprove, so be it.

I have received many comments on many occasions both before and after we started D/s in regards to my relationship with my husband, how lucky we are, how well we relate to each other and many want to know how we do it. I have always spoken of respect and honesty and trust and communication, I have often talked about manners and good listening skills and not interrupting or thinking I always know best …. I have always made it clear that I count on Him and that He has given me the strength and courage to move forward when everyone else in my life had let me down.

He always drives me to where I need to be and either accompanies me or picks me up after, He has always carried the bags and opened the doors, He has always paid the bill and held my hand. People are in awe, people want what we have, people know it’s different and people know it’s awesome and never have I had to say it’s D/s, or spankings or I’m submissive ….

People are not off put by a happy healthy relationship – people are off put when you try to stuff your labels and kink in their face.

There is a reason why we call it your ‘private life’ after all, although I’m not entirely sure that exists for many any more.

Sorry if you are offended but this is my opinion ….

 

 

Many many moons ago …

One of the questions I got from a post a while back was if I always knew/or was I always kinky? You guys tell me ….

When we were first together and had no extra responsibilities or worries I set up a night out at the beach with a handful of friends for Sir’s birthday. 😉

It was in the evening, after it was getting dark and unfortunately it was a bit too cold to stay long but as everyone else was sitting closer to the road, I walked up to the water, stripped off my clothes and called over to Him ….. feel like a swim?!? LOL

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It was much to dark for anyone to see more than a silhouette from that far away … You’d think he would have realized then I was a bit different from the rest! LOL

It’s been a long road getting here – tomorrow is His birthday! 😉

Happy Hump Day All!

Love You Always Sir ❤ 😉

If W/we were …

“Mmmmm” he says through hooded eyes … “If we were alone you would be walking around naked little girl!”

“You would be tired of me after a day or two Sir …” I say smirking back.

“Oh no little girl, all day, everyday ….”

That will do for now! 😉

Happy Weekend all …..

What is submission to me?

I wanted to re-blog this Sir so you know I haven’t completely lost my focus but ……. right now I could use some serious BDSM time. Every time we get started on anything lately there has been an interruption.

I need to be completely and totally broken down and taken out of my head …. I want to float away in sweet oblivion with nothing but the feel of heat and pain ….. mindless, used and taken.

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That’s all! 😀 LOL Happy Thursday ❤

nijntje & The Bear

What is submission to a strong independent person who knows that they can handle whatever life throws at them … that they will pick up, carry on and always succeed, no matter what. What is the point of being a submissive when you know full well that you can do it alone?

Well there in lies the kicker …. alone! Being strong and being powerful and being in control of everything also made me very much alone on my journey of life. Sure I was married, and happily so. We were soul mates, always together and never rude or cruel to each other. We always had each others best interest at heart and we always put each other first …so what changed?

I think the biggest changes are that I have learned to depend on you and I know that you care enough about me to notice where I am…

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About Monday – to ‘prove’ a point sort to speak …

Don’t worry Sir, no details! 😛

I often say things like relationships are a two-way street, a dance, one fuels the other etc. etc. and since I just had a chance to basically make that same statement again the recipient of said comment got me thinking about what are my active actions of submission.

My response in regards to some of their issue was:

Well, I’m not sure what your nightly ritual would be but in my case it involves kneeling, if He was to be seemingly busy or forgetting I would ask if “I may go up and kneel for you Sir while I wait?”

I do dress up for my Sir and if I feel it’s not being noticed time and time again I will ask “Is this not pleasing to you Sir? You have not mentioned my dress.” for example, or something of that nature. It reminds Him how much I really do rely on His notice and comments, AND that they need to be said out loud! *chuckle* My husband will often *think* it but forget to verbalize His pleasure … this gives Him a gentle and polite reminder of my needs too.

Not sure what things specifically you do but you could likely find a way of working them into this type of communicating and showing that yes, this is me doing for you Sir.

Basically instead of worrying about or getting upset that He hasn’t done whatever it is my little head came up with, I ask …. politely but I still ask.

So on Monday night (not that anything was amiss, just another dimension of the same active submission) after a wonderful and fun-filled weekend 😉 and first day back to work I really wasn’t expecting any play! 😀

When all was said and done and because of the above mentioned Monday stuff, I asked Him: “Why did you play with me tonight Sir?”

The answer was pretty straight forward and in keeping I think : “You turned me on, so I took what was mine!”

One feeds the other ….

Happy Hump Day!!

Love You Always Sir! ❤

The truth of why D/s makes me happy

Things are busy again of course so posts on this site are not at the forefront of my mind. This is from a year ago and happens to fit in just nicely now!

There is plenty going on around us again and still, no matter what, you are there! ❤

nijntje & The Bear

The sex is hot that is for sure, the control you have is calming, the BDSM is stress relief but the best part of this for me is that I can count on you!

At the core of what makes me happy with all the kink and ritual aside is the fact that I can count on you to be there for me no matter what!

When I am sad you will be there – when I am happy you will be there – when I am angry you will be there – when I am frustrated or confused you will be there – no matter what you will be there.

When you are angry you will be there – when you are frustrated you will be there – when you are tired or just not in the mood you will still be there – no matter what you will…

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Made this comment – felt it was worth a post of it’s own.

I think consistency is an issue for a lot of people, especially those who are married and have been in it for some time!

I personally find that the faster I come clean with my needs and feelings of let down the quicker the balance is restored. Hinting, stewing and sulking are vanilla ideals to me, straight forward and honest, yet mindful communication seems to work here.

One side feeds the other, sometimes it’s the submissive side bringing the energy to the table in order to keep things going. I think that is just a fact of life, no one can be all anything all the time.

I did sometimes feel like I was putting in more effort than my husband but that was normally when I was quiet about my needs and feelings not when I am honest and speak up. I’ve also found the ‘posturing’ and showing active submission in varies ways will stoke his Dominant fire ….

That is what I’m asking from Him after all isn’t it? His active Domination stokes my submissive fire ….. why would His need be any different?

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