I don’t normally write about the sexual aspect of my relationship and I still have no intention of going into any personal details but I was thinking about how would I explain to a friend what and why I would choose to be sexually submissive to my husband, for the sake of the sex alone.
There was much more that needed to be in place before any of this was ever thought of for me. Firstly I’m not submissive in the slightest and secondly I had seen and dealt with enough domineering donkey’s in my past that the idea of trying this never appealed to me. All the ground work was set first and there are well over 500 posts for you to read that in should you choose! 😉 So on with the sex of it …
In my view the point of BDSM and D/s sexually speaking (yes there is much, much more, I said that already) is for the DOM to push the submissive to the brink of ecstasy. The Dom is in charge of playing and finding the things that make the submissive squirm and yelp and beg for more. This requires practice and patience not only to experiment and find the ‘key’ but also to hold oneself back in order to focus on providing for the submissive. Sometimes it may seem like the Dom is actually ‘taking’, like [your kink here] for example, but if this is something that gets the submissive ‘off’ or puts them into a subspace trance then the truth is that the act is more for the giver than it is for the taker.
The main difference between a scene or sex that the sub wants as opposed to simply being ‘used’ is that the submissive gets to be fulfilled. Bondage, humiliation, sensation play and multiple orgasms along with impact play are all things that make it fulfilling for the submissive. “Bend over and get your hands back here” however is the being ‘used’ part and for the Dom. That is not to say that the submissive doesn’t enjoy such acts and also craves to provide them because we do! It’s the balance of both that maintains the relationship in a happy place.
It should be up to the dominant and part of their responsibility to look for and act out these ‘roller coaster’ types of encounters when the orgasms are many with slower sensual play between in order to provide the smallest amount of respite and then ramp things back up once more to the next orgasm. This type of play is for and mostly about the submissive regardless of how it appears from the outside.
Once the submissive is basically putty in your hands and simply can’t go on you can either force one more “O” 😉 or, providing it is safe to do so, now would be the time for ‘get your hands back here and spread those cheeks little girl”!
As much as a cycle of spanking, sex and orgasm is fun it is simply not the same.
Wouldn’t you agree??
Some submissive’s are not into impact play, some are not into humiliation some are not into what ever else you might think …. the fact is that as a submissive I get better and more fulfilling sex. It’s not that the sex wasn’t good before but there are so many other things to do and try and so many other ways to make myself feel good, all under the “ruse” of being used by and doing for my Dominant.
The truth is that during D/s style sex I get much more play specific to ME and my likes and wants. The only way to push me to the brink of ecstasy is to first know and understand all MY wants and desires not His own. My wants become His wants because ultimately what Sir needs is to drive me completely and utterly crazy with lust for Him. His want to control my need and my reaction is only fulfilled by first learning and perfecting what it is that turns me on!
So why would I want to be submissive sexually to my husband? Because it gives Him a greater understanding of what I want sexually and in turn better fulfills my sexual needs. Seems perfectly fair than for me to fulfill His needs too, don’t you think?
Being sexually submissive doesn’t mean it’s all about Him at all – truthfully, it’s now so much more about me! 😉 LOL
If your dominant can’t provide for your *needs* before their *wants* then perhaps they are not for you … !?!
Love You Always Sir! ❤ (Such a Yummy Weekend!) 😉
nijntje & The Bear 
Hmmm…., someone gets it but I have a question, why only five? It was and is about the responsibility, not the power. As you said, that responsibility includes watching over her, knowing her and (in the type of instances referenced) taking her there safely. Thoroughly using her once she’s there is a great benefit but be careful, you still have to get her back safely.
Another “worth mentioning” is a thing you alluded to. There is the deed. It has a number of vanilla forms. Throw in a good, well connected d/s lifestyle and the options more than square. For those with a good imagination, it’s a candy land with a long shelf life!
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To answer your question, I agree 5 is a good start but …. ;P *giggle*
I believe that with great power comes great responsibility, D/s included. IMO when I make myself responsible for someone my wants become secondary to their needs and I don’t think this is any different, and I refuse to follow anyone who might think it is.
I’m hoping that is the message I’m getting across 😀
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Those who question if they got the message may need to take on the responsibility for internalizing it before assuming any other responsibilities!
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Agreed! Too many out there think that dominance is all about them …. it’s quite a path of destruction that they leave behind! *sigh*
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I totally agree. The Dom needs to understand and be focused on their sub. They need to understand their known and unknown desires. Drawing it out of them and playing with them until they are mad with lust. It is not about what the Dom wants, except control.
Now I just need to determine what it is that drives my wife. What are her kinks?
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Well that’s where the patience and communicating comes in, lots and lots of communicating!
And then praise for any and all baby steps she does take. This is a big deal for her, if you make it any less of a big deal than what she is trying then she will likely stop trying for you.
Lastly one thing specifically for your sake, she might not be kinky, not all submissives are. If she practices some kinks for YOUR sake than honour that! She might grow and evolve into kinks of her own but for now getting you off might just be her only ‘kink’. Constantly comparing her is only killing her chances, and yours.
No offense here but you really haven’t cut your previous ties …. you can’t move forward while tied to the past!
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Yes I know this. I do want to acknowledge though that this does take two people. She needs to communicate as well. That has been an issue for her. And at the end of the day if she ends up not kinky at all that might be ok but probably not for us. I may be the Dom but I still have needs. It’s the whole reason I need this in my life. Even if you take away all the comparisons if we end up essentially where we were before then this will have been a failed experiment.
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The only real failure in life are the things left undone. If you do find that it simply doesn’t work then I hope you will finally come clean and let her go.
You might think you are on the high ground by staying but I disagree.
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Of course. That’s the plan.
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