Jumping Jacks indeed!

Warning: This is a personal post, trigger warning ….. self harm.

Please note if you choose to read, this is not a social commentary, this is not about dynamics or relationships or play practices. This is mine, my post, my need, my want to rejoice! I’m not even trying to explain my views here …. this is just my win.

Words and choice of subject matter might not be what you are used to here but to handle my demons of the past I had to turn into one h3ll of a tough SOB! I don’t need that part of me now but I won’t hide and I won’t apologize for it either. It’s part of who I am and part of what helped me survive … and all I have to say now is ‘jump M*** F**** jump!’

I’ve been holding on to this post for almost 3 weeks now. Last Friday night I couldn’t sleep once more, not due to stress or anything but I have always had a touch of insomnia since I was little and now with the menoBeast it likes to plague me from time to time, no biggie – just tired! It does leave me much time to think and normally those thoughts end up on ‘paper’ so I can finally get them out of my head. The last one was this post ….

I think mostly I didn’t want to get it down on ‘paper’ because I didn’t want anyone thinking it was about them, it’s not … it’s just me saying a big old F* You! to my demons …. because they no longer own me, they no longer hold any power.

Some of you might know that I have had some struggles in the past and one way for me to deal with the hurt and pain and anger of the sh*t I was dealt was to use self harm, cutting and burning in particular. The cutting used to make me feel like a pressure valve was released, I could inhale, take a breath, the noose was slightly loosened. The other side was the blood, oozing out was like a calming river, taking me into this space in my mind where everything was quiet and peaceful, like a strung out druggie I suppose. Completely spaced out and numb to the world for a while …

Well about 3 weeks ago this happened –

It was completely by accident, and I am not in the habit of sharing pictures of myself but this is just to show the extent of the cut. It’s the first time something like this has happened since I quit cutting on purpose. This is after trying unsuccessfully to stop the bleeding, at first the blood was draped down my leg like a cherry red curtain.

First I was annoyed but my second thought was, uh oh am I going to have any hint of satisfaction or emotional numbness? Is this going to be a trigger for me, am I going to have a taste of what I haven’t done and then want more? Life has been exceedingly hectic lately and stress has not been shy about making an appearance, daily!

To my extreme pleasure I felt nothing!!! That’s right you SOBs of the past, nothing, not one damn thing …. I have been saying for years that I am over you but I have never tested that theory – I guess the universe decided to do it for me! 25 years later … It has been 25 years since I have done this to myself and I felt nothing even slightly close to want or need for it!

This isn’t anything I would ever try just to be sure, it’s like celebrating your 25 years of sobriety with a ‘drink’ to me, but the universe gave me more than enough to prove that this demon no longer holds anything over me, my coin, my token, my 25 years anniversary.

I AM FREE!Β 

25 years ago when I quit hurting myself I turned to music, lyrics – for power. Most days now I look for happy … but when I look for power and inner strength …. probably not what you would assume! Enjoy ….

23 thoughts on “Jumping Jacks indeed!

    1. Thank you! πŸ˜€ I can’t even begin to express what a huge relief it really is …. I have said I was done with this type of thing for years, but now it has been proven!
      It also shows me hope for something else/someone else very close to me. Let’s just say life has a funny way of repeating itself …

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Accidentally bumped the send.πŸ˜‚ …a peacefulness and a hope. We must nurture what hope we have, which leads to renewed hope. I pray that the person you are close to finds a better, healthier way to handle life’s difficulties… There is never a shortage of them, that is for sure.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you, they (actually) are my children …. the reason why I want more for them then what I had, and less hurt for them than what I had. And it seems to be working!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I am very glad to hear that it seems to be working. Our children are our whole world and we always feel their pain. The helplessness we feel when we cannot fix our children’s difficulties can be excruciating. Thank God that self-mutilation and similar issues are finally starting to get a little attention from the medical community.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. OMG this is amazing and so coincidental. I’ve just in the past 5 minutes replied to another blogger who cut herself 3 days ago. I cut myself once many many years ago and enjoyed it. I never did again, but I turned to hair picking. I know, I know, that sounds so stupid, inane, silly, dumb in comparison! But is a very real and relentless addiction and to this day I pick every single day. And, sad to say, there is a hereditary component because my 20 yr old daughter picks at her skin. It has nothing to do with her having “watched” me or tried to copy a learned behavior – she started when acne hit her and she can’t stop.

    I am so happy for you and proud of you that you were able to overcome the cravings of this strange and little-understood addiction. Proof that we have the power to effect change in our lives and we control our own destiny!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh Angel none of it is stupid or silly and I know all too well how heredity plays a part!
      I still have a variety of OCD type behaviours that come out when I am stressed or tired, like for example the crazy hours spent trimming the Christmas tree! It’s all great fun for the boys when they move something and wait for me to come back in the room to see how long before I move it back! LOL
      Both of my boys exhibit certain behaviours and the oldest has thought about self harm and suicide even though his world is SOOO much different than mine was. (He however has seen a doctor and has help, where as I didn’t).
      This mile stone wasn’t just for me, it was hope for my boys as well, to know that with time and proper care you can be free!
      We do control our own destiny! πŸ˜€

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I, personally, are very happy with all my OCD type behaviorsπŸ˜‚… and my children always turned my books upside down on the bookshelf. I would come in the house and I knew something was out of place…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL yup, those are the things I don’t mind keeping! I’m ‘particular’ in the way I have these things but they no longer hurt me. I think that makes all the difference!
      As far as I’m concerned we all have some sort of personality disorder, some of us are diagnosed and some are not, but it’s the ones that hurt us that need to be looked at and changed, the others simply makes us individuals – and that I do like! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Exactly. “Normal” is simply an average based on the general population and from what I see of how most treat each other, I am content on the fringes.. When I first met my “Babygirl” and her daughter, the first thing her daughter said was that I was weird πŸ˜‚ Lucky for me, they are very comfortable with “weird” 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. no rudeness understood, no worries!
      Actually I was born in South Africa, raised in Portugal until I was 6 and been in Canada ever since!
      I do however read and watch a lot of English literature and programming.
      I admit, you do have me curious as to why you ask … ?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, being the word person I am, I noticed that your spelling and punctuation, at times, lean toward the Great Britain style. Words like colour, behaviour… also, punctuation… In Britain, the commas reside outside the quotation marks

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ah! I see …
        Well Canada being and English colony at first does explain the spelling, and the love of literature explains the rest I’m sure! LOL πŸ˜€
        I have an Aussie friend who never ‘corrects’ my spelling either! Unlike wordpress …. LOL

        Liked by 1 person

  4. BTW, did you know that the only reason that the comma is inside the quotation marks in USA is because the commas kept getting lost because they would fall off during typesetting… the quotation marks would hold them in place.. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
    See, I proved them right. Only a weirdo would know what I knowπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Much like minding your ‘p’s and ‘q’s …. since the typeset was backwards from what you read they would often be mistaken in by newbie! πŸ˜‰
      Not to mention ‘saved by the bell’, but that one is just gruesome!!!
      Apparently you are not the only weirdo here! LOL

      Liked by 1 person

Comments welcome! :D

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.