I wanted to touch on a subject that doesn’t really make itself known in my world very often, but is so important to remember and put into the right light!
Sometime over our wonderful weekend together I had to use my safe word and I called red! Yup, I know …. wow! Now it wasn’t for a physical issue, no accident or anything like that but it was something I just couldn’t work through and so I used my word.
I’m not entirely sure what it was that was causing me to feel this way but no matter how much I tried I just couldn’t get my mind into what we were doing. I don’t mean I wasn’t interested or turned on enough, I mean I just was starting to feel very uncomfortable and wrong. There was no ‘real’ reason for the discomfort I was having but the fact is that it really doesn’t matter, does it?
I could have continued on, put on a brave face and just let things happen but emotionally that is NOT a good way to do things. Using your safe words is not a failure or let down, on either side. It doesn’t mean that you are not good together and it doesn’t mean that you are not trying hard enough …. I think using your safe words is actually a very powerful way of showing commitment and trust.
For all the kink and crazy things we do the last thing my dominant wants to do is hurt me in a real sense …. emotional hurt is just as important and damaging as physical hurt and sometimes even more so. It doesn’t matter if there is no obvious reason as to why it is happening, it still needs to be addressed.
Showing Him I trust Him enough to use my safe words when I need to or am in doubt only serves to strengthen our connection. It shows that I have trusted Him with all of me, all my thoughts and doubts and worries, … even the ones that don’t seem to make sense or might not be pleasing to deal with for Him. THAT is the point of being a dominant after all, to help and care for and provide for another not just when things are easy or sexy but also in their time of need.
So yes, I called ‘red’, things stopped instantly and within minutes we were talking it out. We both got to feel better and connected and it really wasn’t much time before we were having fun again.
If I hadn’t stopped I would likely be feeling anxious or wrong and doubting all sorts of things about myself and my marriage by now, instead I feel safe and loved and cared for. I have shown Him that He can trust me to be truthful and He has shown me that He can be trusted to care for me, all of me ….. no matter what, without anger, or frustration or hurt.
That’s why He’s my dominant, He has earned the title and continues to do so every day!
Love You Always my Wonderful ❤
nijntje & The Bear 
Really good post to read and think about.
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Thanks kit, I think it’s important to not get so caught up in our fantasy that we forget it has real world ramifications.
I can’t preach communication and honesty and then withhold from my one and only! Besides, anyone who has gone through emotional trauma knows that the ramifications can go on and on … even if it was unintentional.
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Good advice =)
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I felt so glad you used your safe word nijntje. The last thing I want is to harm you mentally or physically. I was so much better after we talked. It was a re-set for us and the rest of the weekend was wonderful. Thank you for your trust in me.😀
Sir
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Not using my safe word would have been the only way to disappoint you Sir, and THAT I never want to do! ❤
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I had not read this one, as I had started following your blog after this date. I have already learned a lot from you since I started reading your posts. I really appreciate the responsibility aspect of your posts. I am very new to all this since I knew less than nothing about this until I met my “babygirl.” By less than nothing, I mean that all of my thoughts on this lifestyle were false. I had no idea of the depth and commitment involved, but I am learning. I truly am grateful and I thank you.
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Actually, I met “babygirl” the day after you posted this.😂
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I usually try not to repeat myself but if you start at the beginning of the blog you might get an idea of how both Sir and I processed and progressed through this maze of ideas! 😀
We found that it is very dependent on feeding each other …. and responsibility on both sides. He can’t provide if I don’t offer information, seems to be a big hangup out there in subland.
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I agree. We ran into that issue already and I sent her the link to your “guilt on asking for help” post. This was a big issue for her. I plainly told her that she had a right to any help I can possibly give her simply because I am hers. It seemed to help her immensely. If she cannot express what she wants and needs, I cannot be the man I need and hope to be. My whole idea is that she should feel so comfortable and at ease with me that she can say anything or ask anything. She should feel safe and cherished every moment. If she doesn’t, I need to figure out what I am doing wrong. I can’t expect her to communicate her needs if she doesn’t feel safe. At least that is my perspective.
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this one might interest you then … I don’t think it’s a ‘wrong’ on either part – just a point of perspective
https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/37361986/posts/1187572788
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I like the listening and understanding perspective. To me, listening is almost an art form. Unfortunately ost people listen to reply, not listen to understand…
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😂 another accidental send. I either need a bigger phone, or smaller fingers…
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I am by no means an expert on the ‘lifestyle’ but I do thank you for such a kind statement!
Part of the reason I don’t use labels is because there is a lot out there that I just don’t agree with, I prefer a realistic and meaningful relationship to one full of show and make believe.
I found this not long ago and if you are new to the terms and ideals but prefer a realistic committed relationship you might want to take a look.
https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/6337877/posts/1457931187
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I will do just exactly that. Ours is a commitment of love and care. We take care of each other instead of playing a role. I do everything I can to nurture her well being and health, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically, as she does the same for me. I never imagined having any relationship so perfectly balanced and balance is definitely an integral part of our lives. Thank you again.
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I heartily agree with his post. I have no interest in any type of abuse whatsoever, nor showboating, or any of what I person all my consider destructive. To each their own, but that is not anything that I wish to be a part of. I do not believe that is what Babygirl wants either. I am all about the safety, security and happiness. I just want to see her beautiful smile and know I am exactly what she needs from day to day… Thank you for the enlightenment.
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