You need to keep in mind that in my relationship we met, dated and married long before any of this D/s like stuff was ever on the radar, we had two children, pets and full-time jobs in place with all of life’s responsibilities already worked out and shared long before either of us knew that this type of lifestyle was sot after or out there.
Our first few exposures to the labels and ideals were all sex and kink based and frankly that’s all we really found or were able to see in it. It was all very scripted both inside and outside of the bedroom and although it might sound like fun for a while none of it felt real or enticing to us.
I did however find a site by using the labels as a search tool, that lead to a very different way of talking about this ‘D/s’ type relationship. There was no obvious or constant referral to sex or kink, it wasn’t all about rules and punishments, it wasn’t about always getting your way as a DOM and never being able to speak up or having no voice as a submissive ….. it was complicated, it was deep, it put a lot of responsibility on the dominant to care for and protect their submissive. It was so much more than sex, and it was exactly what we needed although at the time we really had no idea.
The depth of responsibility and control was really something Sir had to sit with and come to terms with in understanding especially after being married for about 16 years at the time to someone who had always taken care of themselves AND everyone else.
The way in which to truly hand over control of all of me was something I had to come to terms with as someone who has never wanted to feel like a burden on someone else, especially since I already had this underlying need to serve and be pleasing to Sir, the person I didn’t want to bother with all ‘my stuff’.
The truth is that when He has control of me He is not holding me down or some how stifling me, He is setting me free …. many of us know this feeling, many of us can relate to these words. The other side however is that handing over my true feelings and needs is not a burden to Him it is in fact empowering and providing Him with a sense of fulfillment. It is only AFTER Sir feels that He has been able to provide for my needs and welfare that He then feels free enough to take from me what He wants.
For us the thing that fuels the dominant fire is my ‘submitting’ of my wants, needs, desires and fantasies for Him to learn, use and provide for me as He sees fit. I’m not just referring to sexual needs either, I mean all the things that are required to keep me healthy and fulfilled like today’s need to be cared for and pampered perhaps because my body just can’t take much more …. I could suck it up and carry on but then I’m not giving Him what He needs to fulfill His responsibility towards me.
The bare bones of it is that Sir is a good guy, a good man, and He doesn’t allow Himself to feel entitled to take what He needs and wants from me if He doesn’t feel He has provided for and taken care of His responsibilities towards me first. He will not ‘use’ what He has not earned.
So how does this relate to working out my needs while being submissive? Well giving Him the truth about what I need and feel does not translate as I’m a burden now that I know and understand this perspective. Even if the conversation is not an easy one I know that the only way to free Him to take from me is to first allow Him to provide for me.
Although I am submissive to Sir in the rest of life I very much fall under the dominant category, and part of my revelation comes from the times and experiences I have had in my own life and most recently with my grandmother.
My grandmother was a very strong and capable woman who in her own time took care of the family, all the family, she was very much the matriarch. As I got older and when push came to shove, the person who she relied on to get things done was me, but she never wanted to burden me and so unless she really had no choice she would often wait or just keep her needs from me.
The fact that such a strong and capable woman who always took care of herself and everyone else could come to and rely on me was a privilege and an honour, not a burden. The times she chose to keep things from me didn’t bring me relief from responsibility they made me feel somehow lacking and even hurt. I know she was trying to not ‘burden’ me with her life and her responsibility but that’s not at all how I felt …… and I imagine that Sir feels very much the same way towards my needs and my care.
My grandmother thought and felt that she was sparing me by not allowing me to do what I felt was my job, my responsibility and mostly my honour to provide. I am very much like my grandmother and for many years I didn’t want to bother my husband either, but as a dominant out there to the rest of the world I also understand how He feels now when I don’t come to Him.
He took on this responsibility willingly and eagerly, my holding back is what makes me feel guilty now, not the other way around. The kink, the bondage, the BDSM is all easy …. it’s fun, it’s what we both like. Giving Him all my secrets, all my needs and all my thoughts is the truth of submission for me and taking them all on and deciding how to lead even when it’s not easy or what He wants to hear is the truth of dominance for Him.
Yes I will follow Him anywhere, Yes I will do whatever He wants, no question, no complaint. Why wouldn’t I? His first priority is and always has been taking care of me. So I will also give Him the information He needs to do that too.
Love You Always Sir! ❤