It has it’s up’s and down’s!

Good morning Sir, Happy Thursday!

This isn’t going to be a happy-go-lucky post today, I’m not feeling great and I thought I might as well document it here for both you and anyone reading who might want a full picture of what submission can look and feel like. It’s not that there is anything wrong it’s just that if you happen to have a personality like mine you might find yourself in a similar boat at some point. Not that I expect many will, a friend lead me to a personality test site and of course my results were equal to 0.8% of the female population and only 2% of the population in general. Not that I put much credence in such things but it is telling ….

Anyway, I got up this morning, or at least tried to get up and was very sore, I could barely roll over in bed and everything is very sore. From my neck to my tail bone I am sore and aching, every move I make is torture. My hands and feet are cold and swollen with dots of painful raised areas throughout, this is what happens with the raynaud’s after day after day of attacks. I can’t pick things up very easily and my tendonitis in my left shoulder is so bad right now I wish I had a sling, I’m kind of a mess. Of course the oldest picks today to have an episode and I get called all sorts of nasty and wished dead all before 8 am, oh joy!

Not that any of this is odd for me, I have dealt with it all for many years … the difference is this submissive mind that I’m now set in. This is probably the one thing I don’t enjoy about the dynamic …. I need you! I need you always and I can’t feel strong in these times without you because all I want to do is curl up at your feet or in your lap and feel your hands holding me close and making me feel better.

Many things ‘before’ are the same as they are now, our lives (well from my side anyway) haven’t changed much but the one big thing for me is that now when I’m faced with a problem I look to you for help where before I would have just taken it on myself. I look to you for comfort where before the thought would never have entered my mind, I would have sucked it up and gotten on with it …

Right now I’m looking at the clock and thinking about how many things I have to try to do in the next 10 hours before I can be held by you and the thought is all-consuming. I hate feeling like I’m whining and bringing your day down, I hate feeling like I’m making you worry and I mostly hate that I feel weak.

Cognitively I know that none of this is right but physically I feel like I’ve been run over by a MAC truck and since taking days off and spending them curled up in your arms is simply not realistic I’m just going to have to deal with it. I really hope there isn’t anything that’s going to take your time and attention away tonight because I could really use your strength right now.

As usual, I feel better already just writing this out for you but physically I feel like I’m ready to fall over, and I hate feeling like ….. like, honestly I don’t even know what words to use to describe it.

This masochist could use some serious endorphins right about now …. Tylenol will just have to do until then.

Love You Always Sir! ❤

A new twist …. for balance.

I’m really liking this new system of checks and balances you have implemented Sir. It’s leaving me feel validated and ‘owned’ and wanted. I feel like I have your attention and that my efforts are worth while … I don’t feel like I have to bratt to get attention because frankly I just can’t do it.

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Although there is a lot of playfulness and teasing in our relationship the level and intensity of the interaction is not the same as what a bratt/correction would be and I have a feeling that’s why many choose to go that way. The smiles and giggles from both sides automatically make the intensity less charged.

I imagine that by being bratty and having to be kept in check and corrected the connection is intense and the feeling of control heightened, in effect actually rewarding the bad behaviour. I guess that’s fine if it works for the couple/relationship, but it doesn’t work for me.

I’m a warrior to my core and nothing else, I don’t mean some label that gets thrown around for anyone who wants to label themselves, I mean I am really. I don’t bratt and I don’t test, I call out inconsistencies and I fight. To me the only reason to fight is because there is an injustice that needs to be sorted and settled, and one does not eventually submit to that, one fights to the end. If I choose to fight you it would be to the end, not really a good way to maintain anything is it?!?!

To be completely honest I have long thought that perhaps me being too good was becoming boring and uninteresting to you, it leaves nothing to be ‘corrected’ and nothing to spark the fire you could say. I also don’t think testing the ‘fight’ theory would be a very wise choice, not for me anyway. I’ll be completely frank … If I was to get to the point of calling you an a-hole and slamming the door behind me I would not be coming back. I pick my words and actions wisely, not frivolously and I keep myself in check. I might be your submissive but I’m ultimately ruled by my mind not my emotions. No one sees those but you, and only because you are in complete control or I just couldn’t let them out …

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am very much enjoying this level of commitment and energy that you are putting towards me, towards us. It’s not that I’m one for keeping score because I think that’s an awful way to live but I can’t deny that sometimes things feel very much more one-sided than I think they should be in a healthy relationship. This presents and interesting conundrum since I haven’t really left anything for you to ‘do’ let’s say.

I’m glad you’ve found a way to test my limits and push me farther, you’ve found a way to impose your dominance even when everything is still as it should be and nothing needs to be corrected, you’ve found a way to recharge my submission and assert your dominance even though nothing is amiss …. I’m getting the intensity of energy and attention for being a ‘good girl’! And it comes with rewards ….. so I don’t need to misbehave to feel the charge! Balanced ….

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Your actions are leaving me feeling connected to you, and not just like I’m doing it on my own and for myself. I feel like you want to be in control of me, and I don’t need to test that theory because I can feel it! 😀

Sometimes the simple answer is the right one, no need to over think it!

I’ve been ‘good’ for you for so long that it just feels like second nature …. and now with your added attention it feels like I’m actively submitting again. I like that! and being noticed and rewarded is pretty great too!! LOL

We might not always have the opportunity for an intense play session but we can always have the feeling of an intense connection. Although a play session is always a good thing …. ! 😉

Love You Always Sir ❤

Self advocating

I feel that a very important part of making this type of relationship work is self advocating. That’s what all the communication is about after all. The idea of blindly following someone and letting them rule over your life without being mindful of your own needs and making sure that they are being met is ridiculous to me.

I don’t think anyone should be in a power exchange relationship if you are not secure enough to make sure you are being taken care of properly and advocate for yourself if you feel you are not! Any dominant who gets upset or worse, angry because you are speaking up and being honest about how you feel and what you need is not deserving of the title, or the respect.

This is my life after all, not a game. Regardless of the dynamic I have chosen the responsibility for my life ultimately falls to me. The most important aspect of this relationship is that it is consensual and it is my responsibility to give or revoke that consent depending on how things are going.

Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that just because you don’t like a decision or rule you should give and take your consent on a whim, I’m saying if you spend more time being miserable and wishing for something different than you do being happy and content in your role than perhaps you should seriously evaluate where you are and what you are doing.

Being submissive, or whatever you want to call yourself should make your life better not worse. The decision might not be easy to make but it’s your life after all, how much of it do you want to waste?

Different relationships have different protocols but open honest communication without anger or prejudice in a timely manner and often is a must! Without that you are simply kinky vanilla ….

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Love You Always Sir ❤

Happy Tuesday Sir

I think someone stole the weekend …. because I don’t really remembering having one, do you??? LOL

It’s already Tuesday afternoon and as much as I want the week done so that free time with Sir is more prevalent, I don’t want my life to feel like it’s flying by! And now even the weekend seems to have disappeared …. ?!?!

It’s another rainy day and my head and body are still protesting. My mood is good but the amount of energy required to do anything is simply exhausting. My hands and feet are freezing and purple, might be a good night to take that picture we were talking about Sir, I think the colour change might be pretty obvious, even on our little camera.

At the moment I’m sitting with a cup of tea hoping to ease my head and body aches wondering just how much of this could have been avoided. Then again, if not going through it was to change anything about the person I am today than I would do it all over again.

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That’s about it for today, nothing new or pressing on my mind. Just trying to stay warm and eagerly awaiting your arrival.  😀

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

The Bear helps … when slaying dragons

I don’t think it’s a big secret to anyone that I am more than capable of dealing with life as it comes up. I’m pretty sure the tone of my writing doesn’t leave anyone thinking that I’m a poor helpless individual who needs to be saved.

The fact that I am strong, capable, independent, self-sufficient and have one h*ll of an attitude when it comes to taking care of me and mine might be a surprise to anyone first seeking a submissive site if you believe all the misconceptions and misinformation, but if you’ve been reading my stuff for a while you’ll know that meek and needy is certainly no where near the truth here.

All that being said, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t times when only the Bear can help … There is this ‘Dragon’ that has had me feeling guilty, angry, helpless, sad and a whole cornucopia of other emotions for quite some time that I was just unable to slay on my own. I needed the Bear in charge, I needed to just shut up and listen in order to allow myself to put everything into perspective before it could be handled.

Before the Bear become the ‘boss’ without question, my own emotions and guilt clouded my judgement and made the Dragon impossible to be seen clearly and for what it was. Anytime He wanted me to stand up for myself and not accept what was happening as inevitable or justified I shut Him down. I figured I knew best and was so wrapped up in my self-doubt and worry that I couldn’t see the truth and take care of the issue.

Once I started to follow the Bear without question I started to see the truth in His words. I started to trust that it wasn’t all on me and my past and that the guilt I was carrying wasn’t right. I stopped putting the Dragon into my own life and past and started dealing with it for what it was, someone else’s issue, different and separate from my own and therefore the emotional connections I was making to this other person’s pain was not valid or real.

I was reliving my painful emotional past and physical manifestations there of through my son’s emotional pain and subsequent physical outcome. Our childhoods are so completely different his from what mine was that my brain couldn’t reconcile why he would be going through similar anguish. Secondly, what he was doing was so familiar to me that it felt almost ‘normal’ … my guilt over failing as a parent didn’t allow me to see past where we were to actually listen and get help.

Once I put the Bear in charge I had no choice but to listen, really listen to what He was saying. Although I still have vast more experience and knowledge in this particular issue the Bear had the wisdom and emotional calm to steer me in the right direction.

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Art by @de_fine_art

I don’t think I’ve ever told Him outright. If I hadn’t put Him in charge of all of me I’m not sure how far I would be in this battle with my Dragon. I’m not sure if I would have been able to let go of the past enough to move forward here and in the future ….

I’m sure this is very confusing for many of you, some more on the Dragon can be found here if you choose to look.

As for the Bear, He’ll know what I’m talking about, and thank you Sir! Without your guidance and dominance in this issue I think the dragon might have slain me!

Love You Always ❤

 

 

Because of you I walk in peace. 

How the Bear earned His title … A re-blog from a year ago. 😀

woman_alone_Random_beauty_album_n_1_woman_largeI’ve always walked straight and tall, that was always my way. I was stubborn and strong and not about to let anyone get the better of me. So I walked straight, looked people in the eye and never backed down. I always walked alone.

I saw something in you when we met and I knew that you were the one, I don’t know what exactly or how to explain it but I saw it. Although I was nice to everyone I never let anyone close to my heart. I didn’t trust, I didn’t feel much of anything unless you count hurt and empty. I used many self-destructive ways of dealing with my pain but none of them ever made it go away.

Before I met you I had already decided I was not going to bother with relationships, they all ended in disaster and not worth the heart-break. Family, friendships or romantic, it didn’t matter, I was done. I knew a lot of people, had a lot of acquaintances and most probably even thought we were friends but I couldn’t let anyone in. I couldn’t let anyone get close, not close enough for me to actually care. Then along came you ….

Some how you managed to find a way into my heart, I still have no clue how that happened but I’m glad it did. I guess I knew the type of person you are from the beginning. I’ve never worried about being hurt by you, or let down, or used. I’ve never worried that you would put yourself a head of me and I’ve never had to worry about what you might do.

What you did was open my heart. You made me see value in who I am. Because of you I am now self-confident in everything, not just strong or stubborn but I know I AM worth something. I have always been able to look at my self in the mirror when related to my behaviour, but not everything else. Now I can …

Because of you I like me! Because of you I got the strength I needed to trust people who were worth it and cut out the ones who were not. I am comfortable asking for what I want because I know I am worth it, whatever it is. I am a good person and I am worth your time. I have many strengths and you have made me proud of all of them.

There are so many things you do for me I don’t even know where to go next. I am happy with myself, I’m happy with my life. I can be happy and not worry that it will just get ripped out from under me. I am content and at peace. I don’t worry about walking around with my armor because I don’t need it anymore.

You have given me a safe place to open my heart and express myself freely. I can be me, without fear, without judgement, without pain. I can be open, and honest and feel loved and cared for. I can take a breath and I can count on you. Because of you I can be vulnerable, because of you I have given myself the right to feel.

dom-and-his-sub.jpeg-w=627You have helped me find my contentment and inner peace. Because of you I am strong enough to kneel.

Always and only You. ❤

The nicest compliment!

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I/We received the nicest compliment today from a friend/person from work that made me feel very proud of our relationship.

She, N was talking about plans for the weekend and work schedule for next week. Her husband will be on the afternoon shift and the idea was that she didn’t mind it, actually enjoyed the quiet time it afforded … okay, I’m all for personal space and quiet time, I think we all need that.

Anyway she proceeded to say things like “I know I’m not being very nice” and “we’re just an old married couple” and the like. She mentioned that they weren’t like us (Sir and I), that we still kiss and walk hand in hand, it’s so nice … we are still in the honeymoon stage she said.

The truth is that we have been married more than twice as long as they have, we’ve just decided, like the rest of you, to make our relationship a priority. The fact that the little subtle things we do even when we are out in public were noticed was a great compliment to me. It was obvious that none of her words were meant to be teasing, there was a real sense of wishful longing in them.

I’m proud that even though we are not blatant or ‘in your face’ about the life we have chosen to lead it is noticed and almost envied by those who watch from a distance.

We don’t need to run around throwing our D/s in people’s faces, a truly beautiful thing gets noticed on its merits.

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Love You Bear! ❤

 

Have you ever noticed ….?

It seems to me that the more I attempt to research and pin down this type of relationship the more confused and blurred the lines seem to get. The more people throw around terms and labels the more it becomes clear as mud!

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A term to one person means something slightly different to another, at times it means something completely different all together. Unfortunately what happens with these terms is that people think they understand each other but stop short of asking for details …. the assumption that the word or term means the same to both of us leaves one sometimes agreeing or disagreeing with a perceived notion that might be completely incorrect.

Using such terms can lead to blanket statements and trying to generalize something that is so person specific …. well, you get the picture.

I went out looking for ideas of ‘protocols and rules’ because I like to try to better myself when possible. I know we haven’t many rules and sometimes the most basic and simple things get over looked when one is trying too hard, so I went looking.

What I found were some generalizations calling groups of people and specific dynamics there in abusive ….  although I agreed with the types of things they referred to as abusive I couldn’t agree that an entire group using the same term/label was being abusive.

There is good and bad in every aspect of this world, simply slapping a different label on it doesn’t make it any less likely to occur. Likewise just because the term you heard is somehow connected to a bad experience in your past it doesn’t mean everyone is doing that same abusive thing.

It’s not the term that’s the problem it’s some specific people who have chosen to use it. The term you have chosen for your dynamic doesn’t guarantee that others who use it might not be abusive …. the devil’s in the details (as my friend would say).

So a bit of a ramble again and a bit of a rant, this is why I can’t stand labels!!

What I went looking for was protocol/rule ideas that are not kink or sex based for us 24/7 monogamous, committed couples who live together …. I’m starting to think (well maybe not starting too, just remembering) that what most people call rules I call good manners and decorum. Darn terms and labels …. lol

If you have anything that you use/view under this umbrella that you would like to share please comment …. I’d love to compare apples to apples for a change. 😀

Some of the more basic ones:

  • technology does not belong at dinner, lunch or any other shared time (phones, ipads, etc.)
  • no one is left to eat alone
  • raised voices, swearing, slamming doors etc. is never acceptable
  • if anyone is talking you stop what you’re doing and look and listen, be attentive
  • please and thank you never goes out of style
  • Sir opens all doors when we are out, orders and pays
  • whenever possible Sir is met at the door with a kiss and a smile (work sometimes makes that impossible but not often)
  • I prepare the coffee for Sir in the morning (He than prepares mine for when I wake)
  • if you get something for yourself you ask the other person if they too would like some, or something …

There are others that have to do with attire and kinky preferences but as you all know I don’t write anything explicit or sexually personal on here ….

Happy Friday!!

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

Thursday – lots of rambling …

Nothing too major going on, we’ve had more rain so my body is showing me that it’s had more than enough of that! 😛 I’m finally feeling better and getting over the flu so that is a very good thing, and I’m looking forward to the weekend!

The dog is behaving herself again, I’m keeping a close eye on her and making sure to enforce all rules …. apparently one reminder was quite effective, not that I’m fooling myself into thinking nothing will ever happen again, they are animals and react to situations not the past.

The boys are being a pain in the mornings, no one wants to get up and go at the moment and I get stuck fighting the good fight to push them out the door!! lol Tired, grumpy teenage boys who don’t do well after 3 weeks of rain are a real treat at 7 am I tell yah!

It would be nice to say ‘oh I’m just submissive so Sir gets the job of taking care of this, and whatever else happens to come up that I don’t want to deal with’. That’s not how it works is it? To me that is nothing more than passing the buck and there is no real reason why I can’t do it so I do. I make the decisions around here when you’re not home because well, someone has too.

I remember early on talking to new submissives that were trying to figure it all out and that seemed to be a recurring theme, that they couldn’t do anything without specific direction from the dominant. I remember thinking that is certainly not for me, for us, how would I ever get anything done?

We don’t share our kink or protocol or ritual with the boys because frankly that would be weird! and not the point anyway. It’s not that we’re ashamed or worried about the life we have chosen but we don’t share the details with anyone why would we start with them? The kink and the dynamic is not that most important and it’s not what we want to show or teach them either.

It’s the responsibility, integrity, commitment to things and people that I hope they learn. It’s the understanding, listening and humility from BOTH sides that I hope they see and decide to follow. In our relationship we have decided that Sir is the dominant and I the submissive but that is simply a preference, the big picture is more about being a good person than collars, chains or kink.

I don’t think you need to be D/s to have a great relationship I think you need to be loving, honest, kind and open …. that is what I hope they see and learn. That’s what we’ve had since the beginning.

There are plenty of people out there using labels and titles and quite frankly the title does not make the relationship …. or the person!

Not sure where this train of thought came from, but at least it won’t keep me up tonight!!! LOL

Love You Always Sir ❤