I guess I have decided to put into words what it’s like to be in my shoes. The ways in which I try to actively submit to my husband and encourage His dominance in a sexual sense, and the ways that things can sometimes get derailed or feeling daunting even for an optimistic bunny like me.
Feel free to chime in here Sir on any and all points. I know sometimes we think we have covered all the bases only to find on closer inspection that we have missed something after all.
I know that a relationship, any relationship is a two-way street. My actions and reactions are every bit as important as following orders and taking directions. I have no problem stepping up from time to time and getting the flirting and ideas rolling for a nice fun turn in the bedroom. Sex and the amount of sex is not usually an issue here in our home.
I will take toys out of the toy box and leave them on the bed, or in the room for Sir to find. I will lay beside them and explain how each of them makes me feel and makes me squirm and whine …. hopefully for His pleasure.
I send dirty little texts letting Him know where my mind has wandered and what fantasy might be keeping me from concentrating on work. I have a very vivid and lively imagination …. the result is pretty much what you would want or expect!
Although all of these things are fun and certainly enjoyable it is not however a way for me to get to that place where my limits are pushed, my mind is cleared of all other distractions and I’m floating in and out of subspace with only my Master there to keep me safe and bring me back to planet earth when all is said and done. That is the connection that I’m having trouble maintaining ….. or more honestly, getting.
When we get into it the sex is amazing for sure but the lost, quiet and calm feeling of being pushed mentally and physically is not there. I am very much a person who lives inside their own head, I’m a dominant in all aspects of the word and I take over and take control in life easily and without missing a step.
The biggest reason that I took on being His submissive was because Sir was just going on autopilot. I’m not sure He knew just how much, but I could see it … not miserable with me, with us, but He just wasn’t being fulfilled. I didn’t get the impression that He was happy in life in general and most of that was because I was so strong that I was leaving no room for HIM. I might be more than capable of DOMMEing this but He is not happy in the submissive role.
Part of this personality of mine, that not many seem to share, is that I’m quite happy living in these apparent contradictions without much fuss! I don’t really expect that to be fully understood but just take my word for it, I can be both dominant and HIS submissive at the same time, it really comes very naturally to me. I did the work, I changed my mindset and now I go too Him for help and guidance on instinct instead of off on my own. I’m sure this would not be the case with anyone else but I have changed that for myself with Sir and for us it works.
What this does leave however is me needing Sir to calm my mind and ease my demons when they get tightly wrapped up in my head. As I said, I live in my head, it’s always going … 24/7/365 unless Sir provides me with some respite.
So back to the original thought, don’t ask me what got me started on this but the idea was that I have no problem flirting, or asking, or actively pursuing Sir and showing Him just how much I want and need His touch and having that in our lives is not at all an issue.
What I am missing and can’t now do on my own (or more accurately won’t do on my own because to me it would put me squarely back in the driver’s seat) is the mental vacation I get from BDSM, bondage and impact play. That is now one of my needs and like all other needs I now go to Him for help and guidance. This takes effort and initiative on His part, it doesn’t have to be complicated but it does need to be from Him to me. After a while, a long while, I start to feel like I’m not worth the effort or just too much trouble … or maybe just plain off my rocker and that’s why He doesn’t get it or do it!
I don’t think that’s really the way of it, I can see the effect it has on Him too when we get a chance to connect that way … but when I’m running on empty and wound tighter than tight my mind goes to these places.
It’s not the props or sex that I’m missing, it’s that energy that says He’s here for ME now and He’s going to claim me and take care of me … as his own even if it is just His hand on my neck and it only lasts a few minutes. I really can go from bigger than life to in His pocket in seconds, when He takes me there …
This note is for you Sir, I know that this format sometimes plays tricks with your mindset but it really is from me to you. We’ve discussed all of this before, I’m just not sure if I’ve connected all the dots quite like this before … maybe I haven’t.
Love You Always Sir ❤