Good morning Sir, Happy Thursday!
This isn’t going to be a happy-go-lucky post today, I’m not feeling great and I thought I might as well document it here for both you and anyone reading who might want a full picture of what submission can look and feel like. It’s not that there is anything wrong it’s just that if you happen to have a personality like mine you might find yourself in a similar boat at some point. Not that I expect many will, a friend lead me to a personality test site and of course my results were equal to 0.8% of the female population and only 2% of the population in general. Not that I put much credence in such things but it is telling ….
Anyway, I got up this morning, or at least tried to get up and was very sore, I could barely roll over in bed and everything is very sore. From my neck to my tail bone I am sore and aching, every move I make is torture. My hands and feet are cold and swollen with dots of painful raised areas throughout, this is what happens with the raynaud’s after day after day of attacks. I can’t pick things up very easily and my tendonitis in my left shoulder is so bad right now I wish I had a sling, I’m kind of a mess. Of course the oldest picks today to have an episode and I get called all sorts of nasty and wished dead all before 8 am, oh joy!
Not that any of this is odd for me, I have dealt with it all for many years … the difference is this submissive mind that I’m now set in. This is probably the one thing I don’t enjoy about the dynamic …. I need you! I need you always and I can’t feel strong in these times without you because all I want to do is curl up at your feet or in your lap and feel your hands holding me close and making me feel better.
Many things ‘before’ are the same as they are now, our lives (well from my side anyway) haven’t changed much but the one big thing for me is that now when I’m faced with a problem I look to you for help where before I would have just taken it on myself. I look to you for comfort where before the thought would never have entered my mind, I would have sucked it up and gotten on with it …
Right now I’m looking at the clock and thinking about how many things I have to try to do in the next 10 hours before I can be held by you and the thought is all-consuming. I hate feeling like I’m whining and bringing your day down, I hate feeling like I’m making you worry and I mostly hate that I feel weak.
Cognitively I know that none of this is right but physically I feel like I’ve been run over by a MAC truck and since taking days off and spending them curled up in your arms is simply not realistic I’m just going to have to deal with it. I really hope there isn’t anything that’s going to take your time and attention away tonight because I could really use your strength right now.
As usual, I feel better already just writing this out for you but physically I feel like I’m ready to fall over, and I hate feeling like ….. like, honestly I don’t even know what words to use to describe it.
This masochist could use some serious endorphins right about now …. Tylenol will just have to do until then.
Love You Always Sir! ❤