All fixed … well as all fixed as things can be so quickly when it comes to your mind and your insecurities I suppose.

Sir was not unaware of the problem immediately, He just didn’t know what exactly it was … and I was in the middle of my work day so a deep heart to heart right then was obviously not going to happen, It just was not possible …

The ‘issue’ of course was nothing more than a misunderstanding but I find that my submissive self is so exposed that once something ‘hits’ it is felt deeply, even if my mind knows there is a mistake, the heart takes over and my feelings get hurt. Really hurt, which is what my warrior personality keeps me from in the outside world. With Sir however there is no armor and therefore no rationalization and no defense when it comes to my feelings.

Sir knows this, He knows me well but sometimes things strike that even I am caught off guard by or completely surprised with. If I didn’t know than obviously He had no way of knowing but that doesn’t change the feelings of it unfortunately. The mind knows but the heart does what it will I’m afraid.

Image result for peeking over the wall

The hurt in this case came from a comment/joke that was made just in jest but it hit close to home … so I asked for clarification but my angst was not perceived and therefore the joke repeated. I asked once more because the joke was eluding to the exact opposite of what Sir had just the day before told me was one of the best parts of our dynamic lately … but with everything else going on I guess He just didn’t see it and therefor the joke was maintained, until of course my eyes started to well up …

His demeanor quickly changed from joking to concern but by then my heart was already hurt and my walls were threatening to raise once more. The timing was such as I have already explained and so I had to steel myself to maintain my composure and so my heart followed suit. Anger followed as a defense against hurt, I couldn’t bring myself to look at Him than and so I carried on with my work. (We are not alone so there is no chance in not being noticed.)

Finally by the evening hours when we were able to talk this whole situation was understood by both of us but the joke itself had brought back hurt feeling/walling up for me from 15 years ago. Just these past 3 weeks with my deeper embracing of my submission I had finally started to let that go and finally let every single last wall crumble, until the joke.

So what was it? Well basically my thoughts and feelings and every single uncensored thought, always … about everything but mostly about Sir. The joke was meant as a very vanilla joke about men fearing/hating to have to talk to their wives, basically preferring that they didn’t say so much. Well that is the exact opposite of what I have been doing but it does hit on what Sir more or less said to me 15 years ago, and why I started to take care of me and everything else for Him back then. Now don’t get me wrong it wasn’t cruel or anything like that but it was young and busy and two newly weds trying to figure out how to live in the real world and not be heartbroken every time we had to work, so the short and long of it was sounding something like that.

I stopped telling Him I missed Him, I stopped saying I wished He could stay home with me, and I stopped saying I would prefer to spend the entire day in His arms because I didn’t want Him to feel bad or sad or guilty. I stopped talking.

Sir can handle all this emotion now without feeling guilty or sad, He takes it where it’s coming from and He knows I didn’t/don’t expect Him to stay home from work, I just want to know that He would like that too, that’s all! But when He made the joke about me not talking so much, well all this other stuff came up with dukes ready … I know He didn’t mean it that way, but unfortunately all that ‘programming’ doesn’t just get told to leave.

So now I am still trying to be completely open, and honest and real … uncensored – but it’s work now. I have to think and try once more to get back to something that had become natural and well honestly finally a comfort to really and truly be myself once more.

He didn’t mean it, but it happened. I’m not going to let it stop me but I do think it’s worth noting. We have hiccups along the way too but we don’t break from our dynamic we count on it more. I didn’t stop being His, I showed Him my hurt and He didn’t run away, He picked me up and is now carrying me until I can put my feet back down again.

Feelings might not be rational, but they are real and so they are valid.

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Climbing the Wall

  1. While reading this, I recognised myself in this pattern of being open, feeling hurt, wanting to close up but being unable (and actually unwilling) to put up the walls. It is such a vulnerable place to be.
    However, this vulnerability isn’t a negative…in fact…its a great big positive, because you know whom you are being vulnerable to.
    That’s the secret, imo. Your Sir is One that can be trusted. And he in turn knows you can be trusted to come to him with all your needs.
    A beautiful tango.
    Thank you for sharing.

    Like

  2. Thank you, and yes that’s it exactly! I guess some of my increased openness has found it’s way on to these pages as well, and why shouldn’t it I suppose … they are for Him. 🙂
    I read somewhere, once while new to this dynamic, that vulnerable was not the end game, no one commented or disagreed so I’m not sure if that means it’s the going attitude or not but I guess I think vulnerable IS a big part of the end game and as difficult as it can be at times to navigate triggers the resulting connection is more than worth it!
    And just like you, I too am unwilling to put up walls when it comes to Sir.
    Thanks for commenting, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in this thought/reaction.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. To me being vulnerable is very important. It grows intimacy and trust; i grows reliance on one another and it allows us to be authentically ‘ us’…without fear or judgement. Perhaps I can say that it is the key to D/s.
    (Missing my King lots today…Sundays…and month 10 since He passed away today. It made me smile to remember ‘us’ while writing this)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think vulnerability to our Dominant is an extremely important part of a D/s dynamic for if we do not bare all (so to speak) then the walls even if invisible remain. I still have walls up. We go to counseling twice a month but even there I am reluctant to open up. I hope some day I will feel able to truly be completely naked, vulnerable, open and able to truly be all He desires. You always inspire me to be better, Nijntje. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. He is supporting, caring and protecting you. How can he fully support your needs, care for your hurt and protect you going forward if he doesn’t know your needs, understand your hurt and foresee your fears? Talking is a must and this current event will, hopefully, benefit you both in hindsight.

    Vulnerability is NOT the endgame, openness, communication and a powerful bond is. Vulnerability, occasional trouble sitting and sudden flashes of longing are merely among the known side effects!

    Liked by 1 person

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