I was reading today a post that made me remember some of the dark days in my past. Not the really dark days, that’s another blog entirely, but the dark days (at least as dark as I ever want to be) in my relationship with Sir, my marriage.
We have been together about 22 years now, married 19 this past April. I believe I have always been a bit of a confusing bunny for Sir. To the outside world I am the exact opposite of submissive, I don’t cower, I don’t back down and I never give up. Most people find me very intimidating, even though I’m 5 foot nothing no one in their right mind even thinks about standing in my way …. must be the horns! LOL
In my marriage however I have always deferred to Sir, long before He realized it. I guess to me that was just the way it was supposed to be and I assumed that He already knew that by my daily actions I suppose. Wrong! Now keep in mind we live in a very small city, the idea of dominant and submissive is just not something that is widely accepted or understood, really. Old fashioned values with male lead marriages are, but many of those are one-sided and not at all meeting the needs of both parties involved. So I guess we were both flying blind for many years ….
I’m pretty strong and pretty determined so it was easy for me to just keep moving forward and doing what I felt was the right thing to do for however long I had to do it. With or without structure I was going to behave submissively towards Sir even if He didn’t know it, or at the time, reward it either. Then somewhere in my mid to late 30’s things started to change.
When I look back now, with the knowledge I have gained I can see the change and notice the signs, but back then it was all just random and misunderstood. The first sign was night sweats, I had never heard of them, had no clue they existed and had started some medications that could have accounted for some of the symptoms so the start went unnoticed! I was 36 …
Right about the same time we were looking at moving, we had been in the same home for 12 years, our first home, bought right after we married, had two children and started new careers… lots of things happened while in this home. We are both very particular and finding a new home that works, fits our needs and was of the Georgian style we like took some time and stress. So some of the other signs of menopause for me were chalked up to stress … I started drinking a bit more (I maybe had 1 glass of wine at Christmas before, that changed) and I started smoking again (by the time I finally quit I was at almost a large pack a day). When I was young and on a mission to self destruct I was smoking up to 3 large packs a day.
I guess that as His submissive I was waiting to be controlled, but as His strong and capable wife, He had no idea that’s what I wanted, that’s what I needed. So Sir got distant and I got more self-destructive,… rinse,… and repeat ….
Some where in all these crazy days I finally decided I couldn’t take it any more, my first request was simply for hot, crazy BDSM and sex. I didn’t realize it at the time, but if I couldn’t get Him to control me all the time I could at least get enough of a taste in the bedroom to help myself make it to the next time. So that’s what we did, but not for long.
The mind is a wonderful thing, and as soon as we started playing in the bedroom I started to understand the subtleties that made Him feel in control and the things that made me feel controlled and cared for. YES that was it, His lack of controlling an obviously bad situation to me meant that He simply didn’t care. It never occurred to me that He didn’t think He was allowed to, remember we were not D/s, never heard of it, had no clue …
I started to put some of those things into my daily life and Sir started to assert Himself more in daily life and before you knew it we were 24/7 without any labels or pretense, just us and just naturally.
We were just getting comfortable in our roles when the MenoBeast once again made an appearance, my mood just tanked! All was well with the world, my husband was very attentive, finances were great, children were great so why the heck did I all of a sudden just quit caring? There were many physical issues that I have outlined in the menopause and D/s category but this was just because, just whenever and didn’t seem to have any real rhyme or reason. I thought for a while I was losing my fricken mind! I happened then to find D/s (the label because we were already doing) and a submissive site where I went to try to find understanding but was instead told that menopause had nothing to do with D/s and therefore should not be a topic of conversation.
Well let me tell you, when your mood is crap, your body is crap and your mind can’t remember a darn thing (yes that happens too) and all of a sudden you are in the middle of the bedroom and you remember and realize all the things you did (how they may be viewed) and all the things you forgot (and how that is viewed) and you realize you have failed your Dominant miserably and none of it on purpose, than YES menopause does have everything to do with D/s because you and your partner need to know that it is a stage, it is not intentional or within your control and that you DO deserve forgiveness. Not only from them, but from yourself …
So I spent many a night in Sir’s lap, some of them laughing, many in tears …. If something didn’t get done it was understood and He picked me up when I needed Him, He did not punish me when the intent was clearly not there. His understanding of me and of this made me able to understand and accept myself. To me THAT is the dominant, and that is that dynamic … and that is MY Sir!
I hope this helps someone out there, I wish I had known this myself …..
Love You Always Sir ❤