Enough Already

Let me start off by saying I know that submission is a lot of work and that so too is dominance. I also know that I may be a bit more comfortable, in tune with, submerged in, further ahead (not sure what choice of words to use that won’t set people off) than most when it comes to my dynamic and my husband, we’ve worked hard and been completely honest and open with each other in order to get here.

This post is in no way related to this blog specifically BUT I’m really getting tired of basically being told that if I was in a different situation, or if my husband had had a different thing going on at the time we too would have faltered or had issues or whatever ….

How do you know? That’s my question …. how the heck would you know that we still couldn’t have managed to keep it together, maintain our dynamic and continue to move forward?

Stop assuming that just because I said I wouldn’t put anything on hold that I am implying you are failing … and stop assuming that I just happen to have it easy and if things were different I would need to change!

I don’t have it easy, I have a lot of crap to deal with around me and so too does Sir, but we do keep it together and we don’t ever put anything on hold, and that’s the truth.

I’m not saying anyone is any less or that we are any more than … I’m saying we have figured it out. If you can’t be happy for me then just leave me alone!

And lastly, stop assuming that any of my writing is about you …. if you have also figured it out then Congratulations! And if you haven’t then stop hatin’ on me because i have.

I’m not going to be putting any more disclosures on any more of my posts. These are for Sir, The way we are and how we live …. if it makes you feel like you should do more, then do more but stop thinking I’m talking about you, because I’m not!

Love You Sir ❤

Punishments, corrections, and other disciplinary actions

(Thinking out loud so don’t anyone go getting in a tizzy!)

If you have followed my blog for any length of time you will know that I very rarely get into trouble. We are coming up on my 1 year anniversary for being trouble-free!

When we first started doing this ‘thing’ (call it what you will or won’t) I was very much looking for accountability, looking for Sir to be all take charge and make me pay for my mistakes etc. etc. I was sort of wishing for a letter of the law type deal, and all the I’s dotted and T’s crossed etc. Well that didn’t happen, at least not exactly like that …

First off I’ve never been rude or disrespectful or just dismissive of my husband. It’s just not my personality, I would prefer to be single or elsewhere then have that type of life. I’m not just saying that, I’ve been there. Between my childhood and my first few relationships growing up I experienced enough to know what I didn’t want and I did leave each one. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t without risk and loneliness but I just couldn’t live any other way, I couldn’t live with myself.

Anyway, back to punishments, my first instinct was that I wanted them, craved them, almost couldn’t wait to be in trouble as much as I ‘feared’ being in trouble. I wanted to feel that He was in charge, He was in control and that I really did need to be accountable. When we were doing the part-time/kinky thing on weekends and hadn’t realized it really was much more than that it was exactly what I wanted. Now however, it is much different.

The idea alone of disappointing Him is unbearable to me, there is no physical punishment that could compare. If I’m completely honest, the look of disappointment is probably the hardest to bear. I’d take a physical punishment anytime, but to be completely honest if my heart wasn’t in it I really don’t think it would be effective anyway. To me the idea of a physical punishment is more in keeping with a ‘payment and forgotten’ which is more for My benefit then His.  It allows me to feel like I’ve made amends and He can physically see that I do mean it, nothing else really, but then we don’t have physical punishments that don’t first involve communication and resolution. In our home punishment is closure.

I don’t agree with sex as punishment, I don’t think it’s effective or sane. I wrote and earlier post on that and my view hasn’t changed. I think you are either ultimately getting off on it, or you are being psychologically and physically abused. Either way it’s not effective in bringing about a healthy change ….

But I do like the physical domination, I do like the feel of his hands on me and I do like the thought and feel of my ass on fire! So we play, or so I ask … We have talked about what makes me feel His, balanced, owned and happy and we came up with (and continue to) a game plan. I can have the physical release and the physical domination and the sting and sore ALL without being in trouble or feeling guilty!

Sometimes we use reset spankings/play and sometimes it’s called maintenance and other times it’s just balance. It doesn’t matter what we call it or what we use but I am not in trouble. Normally it takes between 1 to 2 hours and some times I get to orgasm at the end and sometimes I get ‘used’ and yet others nothing sexual at all. It’s physical, it’s HEAT and it’s HOT but it’s not trouble and it’s not tiresome. If you’re always in trouble, are you really learning or changing anything?

I still want to be corrected by Him if He sees fit but I would rather make sure I’m not in trouble and get my needs met otherwise then test and push to be sure He’s still with me. I think that if you test and push instead of speaking up you will end up with a DOM that feels like a domineering jerk, and they won’t like their place or want to continue, and you will inevitably feel let down and alone.

Talk, plan, be honest and be open, together …. a relationship takes two so be part of that two. Besides, in my opinion no real DOM will want to lead you without first knowing what your needs and wants really are! How else can they possibly do their job and keep you safe, satisfied and happy?

They might be dominant but they still can’t read your mind……

So when I said to Sir one night long ago that I was hoping He would have been more strict, He told me that He got what He wanted out of it, and He didn’t want to turn into a mindless jerk! He was right of course, …. that’s why He’s the Boss!

Love You Sir ❤

 

 

 

In tune

I’m not sure if it’s simply being in tune with myself or if it’s complete honesty and trust or a combination of the two, but whatever it is Sir I do like sharing it with you!

I feel great today, thank you!

I tend to know my body and myself pretty well, outside of any extraordinary situations and I hazard to say that even then I catch on pretty quickly now a days. I try to be open and honest not just with you but mainly with myself. That usually means putting misconceptions or guilty feels aside and simply talking to you and letting you know whatever it is that is going on in my mind and heart. I know better than to wait until the feeling(s) get overwhelming or carry on so long that they get confused with other issues and then become much more difficult to sort out and address.

~ Case and point ~

On Sunday night I had a dream, a naughty one and not in a good way. I can’t remember much of it but I know I was feeling angry and probably hurt and I was very upset with Sir. In the dream I was angry enough to be holding a sneaker and be contemplating throwing it at his head! I don’t think I need to explain what kind of infraction that would be!!

The whole thing is pretty fuzzy but I do remember Him being in one room, then going into another room through a door way and turning around to look at me. The entire time in my dream I was trying to say something but He wasn’t letting me (how or why I don’t know, it was a dream, sometimes they don’t make sense) … As it looked like He was putting me off and ready to close the door behind himself was when I lifted the shoe and was ready to throw it. He gave me the ‘look’ that meant do you really want to do that, and I threw it down and at the wall instead.

Now none of this would ever happen in real life, I just don’t play that way, but it did have me a bit confused in the morning as to why I would be dreaming such a thing? We haven’t been having any issues personally and I hadn’t been feeling angry or neglected in my daily life, so what was that dream all about?

So in my morning text to Sir I told Him about my dream, and sat with the information in type for a bit and then it all started to make sense. I tend to be a very balanced individual and I can tell both mentally and physically when things are even just starting to go off the mark. This dream was my mind’s way of letting me know that I needed something, I needed more ….The door and it closing was my way of understanding that I felt He wasn’t there for me, He wasn’t giving me what I needed. Not throwing the shoe at Him meant I still wanted this way of life, but throwing it at all meant I was needing more …. so I needed to share it with Him.

Now I know things have been crazy around here and I know that nothing has gone according to plan but if my mind is telling me something, so bluntly then I’m going to do my best to listen. Feelings don’t need to make sense to be valid, they just are.

I didn’t decide to keep the information to myself, ‘just to be sure’, or because Sir has too many other things to worry about right now, or because He might feel guilty or bad, or even because there really was nothing amiss and I was just feeling guilty and selfish about feeling like I needed even more from Him right now in the first place. None of these are open and honest options and none of these are my choice anyway.

If I know something, or think I know something it is my job to tell Sir, so I did. My dream was Sunday night, it is now Tuesday morning and I feel very well taken care of and at peace once more. Balance is once again restored …. and I hazard to say that balance is restored for Sir also, I tend to notice more quickly than He but we both always feel better later and we never go ‘off track’ even just a little bit for very long, as you can see.

Love You Superman ❤

Monday Wishes …(updated)

I’ve been reading and talking to someone today Sir and they have me missing these:

 

Happy Monday ~ Miss You

It has occurred to me that I’m not sure if I ever told you just what having your chains draped on me does for my mindset …. humm.

For some reason I find the weight and feel and sound of your chains extremely calming and they put me into a nice deep submissive mindset very quickly. (Submissive mindset in this instance being calm, quiet and concerned only with what you are doing and saying or making me feel, no outside noise, no internal noise … just peace and You.) It requires no play, no task, nothing more then wearing them and waiting on you ….

The rhythm and impact/feel of the flogger I think is pretty commonly understood! 😀

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

Happy Sunday, can we play please?

I can’t believe it’s Sunday already and back to work tomorrow after all the craziness and trauma of the past two weeks. I am glad to be back to a mostly normal state although I’m still finding myself very tired and dragging from time to time.

Between the dog having to be lifted from time to time and the trying to sleep/rest in those crazy chairs and love seats at the nursing home I’m afraid my back is once again pretty messed up! I haven’t been able to do the stretches and exercises I would normally do, the ones that were really helping me get back into shape so I’m feeling pretty sore …. That is definitely priority #1 Sir now that I’ve made it back to the chiropractor.

I’m glad you told me to slow things down with work come September, I know that if I didn’t have to follow your direction I would just keep adding to my plate until it became much to heavy to carry again …. That’s what I do!

Not overextending myself makes me feel lazy and I always have to keep going in order to feel that I’m doing my share. The only reason I can stop and be okay with it is because I know it pleases you … Pleasing you is really the only thing that trumps all else in my mind, so in this case pleasing you takes care of me!

I’m pretty sure you figured that out already! 😀 I’m pretty sure that’s a big part of why you agreed to this way of living in the first place, sneaky Bear!

I might be planning a sneak attack that may have me eventually ‘caught and tortured’ in hopefully a very fun way … hehehe You better look out Bear!

Love You Always Sir ❤

A good read – Is Submission a Gift? — Love Letters to a Unicorn

“Submission is a gift.” I hear that phrase constantly in the kink community. I hear submissives say it. I hear Dom(me)s say it. Switches say it. I have said it. Pretty much everyone I hear speak about submission at some point utters this phrase. It seems almost like assumed knowledge in the kink world. But […]

via Is Submission a Gift? — Love Letters to a Unicorn

Took the test for fun Sir :D

Some questions just didn’t apply as a married, monogamous submissive so the answers were hypothetical, but here’s what we got! LOL

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
100% Submissive
98% Rope bunny
96% Masochist
87% Slave
79% Degradee
74% Experimentalist
66% Primal (Prey)
41% Brat
36% Pet
31% Vanilla
29% Switch
26% Girl/Boy
16% Exhibitionist
13% Dominant
11% Daddy/Mommy
6% Master/Mistress
6% Ageplayer
6% Sadist
5% Voyeur
5% Primal (Hunter)
3% Rigger
2% Owner
2% Degrader
2% Brat tamer
1% Non-monogamist

Sirs top results:

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
96% Dominant
87% Rigger
70% Primal (Hunter)
68% Master/Mistress
66% Vanilla
60% Sadist
53% Brat tamer

 

Looks like we’re pretty evenly matched! 😀

❤ Love You Sir ❤

 

As luck would have it …

Well just as is almost always the case, just as soon as we get past the conversation on toys, and play and what I would like to experiment with …. Just as you get your BDSM grove back on and our first real scene in a while takes place, and everything is looking like it couldn’t get any better, all hell broke loose!

Well things are finally getting back to normal, and my mind is getting back to normal and I wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed our last play time! 😀

It’s coming into the weekend and I think we finally have some down time with no running or stressing! I am very much looking forward to the feeling of your hands, the sound of your voice and the scent of your skin ….. I’m very much hoping you can begin from right where you left off.

Happy Friday!!

Love You Sir ❤

 

 

Not any label – just us.

I’m not sure if this is just in my head or if the feeling I’m getting from some is correct (I said some not all before anyone else gets all fired up), but just in case there is any confusion out there in blog land I’d like to set a couple of things straight.

First off this blog is basically an online diary for my Sir’s reading and understanding of where my mind is on any given day. I may or may not be in a ‘mood’ due to whatever is going on around me and this helps me to put it to words and Him to know what’s going on inside my head.

Just as I learn and grow, so too do my thoughts and writings. When I’m going through something they will likely be more frustrated and preachy sounding and when I’m relaxed they will likely be more even keel and relate-able to anyone out there. Please remember if you choose to take a peek inside my diary that this is in no way a tutorial, it’s in no way a ‘how to manual’ it is simply my thoughts and feelings at the time.

If you’d like to ask a question or make a comment as to what I’m doing or feeling than please do, but I am not however interested in a debate about what others do or why what I do might not suit them. I already know that there are many, many ways for people to run and live their own lives. There are many others who wouldn’t agree with a thing I have to say, and if that’s the case then that’s fine, but why are you reading my thoughts then?

I am very different than most people when it comes to my thoughts and actions, off the top of my head I can honestly only think of one other person that might understand me without much explanation. (Excluding Sir who has known me personally and intimately for over 20 years now.) I have no delusions that what I say or think is going to be perfectly understood by anyone else reading it, you are not in my shoes and you likely have a very different way of living, but this blog is still not a debate, it’s just my views and sentiments.

So from now on let’s just say I’m not D/s or DD or submissive or into ttwd or any other combination of letters you might have floating around in your head. This is just my life as a wife who wants to please her husband in any way He deems right. In return I expect to be cared for and protected to the best of His ability and in the mean time we will do our best to live happily ever after.

I never have liked labels, they often seem to cause so many more issues than they solve.

Love You Sir ❤

 

Not much ….

Nothing much to report today Sir, nothing much interesting going on. Mentally I’m starting to get back to myself again, every so often the thought occurs to me that I no longer have any living grandparents. That’s kind of odd, stop you in your tracks feeling for me …. I didn’t have the feeling that I might get ‘the call’ at any time through the night last night so perhaps my subconscious has come to terms with the loss too.

I have been fighting a low-grade fever and now my tummy really feels crappy. I think I might have caught something! Not great timing since the funeral is today. Let’s hope the ginger works.

My last spanking wasn’t that long ago and due to a lot of different factors I ended up with some bruising, I normally don’t since starting the skin care routine. It was likely due to stress and the fact that I was just starting my cycle I assume, but that’s just a guess. Everything else was the same as always so it’s the only thing that makes sense.

The spanking hurt a lot more than usual and left a lot more marks than usual and the after effects lasted longer than usual too! (I had a good amount of sting and tenderness for a few days later, that is fairly uncommon.) I’m not complaining, I’m just noting …. I actually quite enjoyed that fact.

Anyway, although it hasn’t been long and I might still have a few marks left over I think I could use just a bit more OTK time with you. Not sure if or when that could happen right now but I think I could use it. Last time it wasn’t OTK and I was hoping perhaps this time it could be Sir.

Love You Always ❤