Not less D/s, not on a break …

I’m going to start by saying I’m a bit stressed so if you are sensitive or take things personally, please stop reading …

I have just gone through the most stressful and heartbreaking couple of months in my content adult life. The last couple of weeks in particular have been some of the hardest I have ever dealt with.

I long ago gave up on wishing for or hoping for things for myself, but the one thing I have always been good at was taking care of others. The one other I cared most about caring for was my Grandmother. I strongly believe that this woman gave me my morals and my values, she gave me my strength enough to even make it to adulthood and she was certainly the Matriarch of this family. With her help I was able to grow into the strong and able person I am today …. and she was dying. How stressed do you suppose I am ….???

Through all of this time, especially once things became evident that the end was near, our D/s was still strong. My commitment to my husband and to my lifestyle didn’t falter, it didn’t go on hold …. the sex, the kink and the flirting might have taken a back seat but the dynamic was/is intact. I didn’t go to Him less, I counted on Him more ….

His job, in my opinion, is to take care of me, and so I let Him. If I needed something I told Him and if I was having an issue with something or dealing with something then I told Him that too.  I might have had a little more trouble dealing with the small irritations of life but I didn’t scrap my manners and decorum … (I’m pretty sure I had a slight tone in my voice a couple of times, I know I did in my mind), our rules and rituals were still adhered to and all manners and ‘places’ were intact as well.

I guess that’s why I’m an advocate for making sure your rules are real and matter, to you both, because if they do then even in the face of the most challenging times your D/s can still be intact and still be something you can both count on to pull you through.

D/s is not kink, it is not sex, it is not unyielding and it is not cruel or unmoving … at least mine is not! It should be good for you both and it should make you stronger and more sure in the face of trauma and stress, not less. Your D/s connection especially as a submissive should give you a safe place to fall when you need strength, it shouldn’t make you overwhelmed or unsure … you should run to it, not away from it.

So no, I really don’t understand when people say that life has taken over and my D/s had to take a back seat because to me that is when my D/s is at the forefront. It might not be kinky or sexy but I’m sure as f*ck counting on Him to lead!

Love You Sir ❤





12 thoughts on “Not less D/s, not on a break …

  1. Well I would imagine there as many reasons as there are couples and issues in the world as to why people say/feel their D/s has taken a back seat in times of trouble in their lives. I would also hazard a guess you were able to turn to your husband during this time because he was receptive to it. I won’t assume that your grandmother wasn’t a special woman to him as well, but I will say in our house as difficult as it was to say loose my FIL for me, I was able to put aside myself and my grief and be there in the way my husband needed because he wasn’t MY father. Doesn’t mean I didn’t love him very much, but the pain for me was completely different that it was for my husband.

    Now take the issues of a sick child and the affects that are equaled to both parties and say again now you don’t understand how D/s can take a back seat. That doesn’t mean that leaning on each other has, but someone *leading* who is in extreme pain? well sometimes it just isn’t possible. Some days limping together is the best people can do.

    My relationship is not kink based in the least. Kink is an added bonus at times I will admit. That being said, while I am happy your husband and you were able to maintain your D/s throughout this latest ordeal, it doesn’t mean that those who pause their’s during are failing. Perhaps one or both of them merely view things a bit differently.


    1. I actually wasn’t taking it personally, just offering a different point of view. And I did forget to mention I am sorry for your loss.


    2. And reading back on this train wreck of a conversation, at no point did I say anyone was failing, I simply don’t understand why it ever needs to be put off. In my life it doesn’t …. that was the point.


  2. I am almost nervous to make a comment….. I am very sorry for your loss and I am happy your husband was there for you. WillieRubble I didn’t take what you said as attacking at all. I also did not take what you said as saying Dominance doesn’t equal responsibility. Our marriage before DD or D/s was based on love trust respect & communication. Everything is just maybe IDK a bit more enhanced now. I think for me different perspectives is great to hear. If we all agreed on everything what is the point to even discuss anything and that would also be quite boring. I myself understand when things have been “off” due to different reasons or complications that have arisen in our lives. That doesn’t mean our foundation of our marriage is on the back burner. I also believe in trying times if needed I can take the Lead if I it is necessary for whatever the reason as I am sure most of us can & would. Again I am very sorry for your loss Sir’s Nijntje.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Ashley
      The dominance = responsibility was an earlier post that Willie and I disagreed on, a reference for her.
      I agree that things can be feeling off or difficult, I just don’t think that if you keep it simple in the actual ‘rules’ that things need to be put off, or at least not put off without the Dominants direction. My Sir knows I will work tooth and nail to make sure things are as He wishes but if I am honest with Him about how I am feeling right now He gets to make the decision to change the current ‘rules and rituals’ for me, for us. That’s what I was trying to say, and I’m sorry if my post didn’t come off that way, I guess it didn’t to Willie.


  3. Well I’m sorry I figured our history/friendship’ and past discussions would have come through as me just presenting the other side, NOT attacking or stifling. And honestly if I was attacking you , you would know it! Really know it, but it isn’t my style. If you write a post you really should be prepared to have a difference of opinion. A difference of opinion does not an attack make. However given your current situation, I suppose you might take it as such.

    Please do not assume anything about me, as I never did about you. I don’t believe dominance is a responsibility? I don’t even remember that discussion that we apparently disagreed upon. I have moved on. Of course I will admit if you had disagreed with something I wrote, I’d probably remember it too.

    As a general observation in my 4 years of blogging, it is often the comments that I don’t agree with on my blog are the ones that have had me thinking the most, and often given me a different area to explore, but as you quoted me rather sarcastically, ” to each his own”


    1. not the time Wilma – not the time!
      pretty sure I made my grief evident and secondly the ‘catch’ line is letter’s to MY SIR ….. perhaps holding your view in this particular post would have been appropriate! and the dom= responsibility was a post of mine you did not care for ..Cheers dear!


  4. The point of the post was that if you keep your rules simple and meaningful, nothing ever needs to be set aside and your D/s can carry on regardless of what is going on around you. I stick to my point …


  5. So late to this but I wanted to chime in…I thought your post was a beautiful testament to how strong your dynamic is. I think you make a good point that meaningful rules/rituals can keep our roles clear even during stressful times. I have to admit that in our lives, I struggle with running away rather than running to him during times of stress. As time goes on, I find it easier to remember why I asked for this and why we have chosen to take our path. When I struggle to maintain our rules, Luke will ask if I believe they are unnecessary. Honestly, it gives me the freedom to reflect on where we’ve been and how much we’ve learned. I’ve never been able to say a rule or ritual was unnecessary. But taking that “time-out” to think helps bring me back into focus.

    Since we all do this differently and at different points in our lives, I think we all have to decide if we need put our dynamic on hold, or change it to fit our life. For you, I’m glad your husband was able to guide and support you through this time! For me, I hope to get to a point were it is so ingrained in our being that we don’t let it drop when we are stressed. Again, I thought it was a beautiful post and a great way to tell your husband how much you appreciate him.

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending wishes for peace to you!


    Liked by 1 person

    1. First I’d like to thank you for your kind thoughts and for understanding the post as it was meant. I was hoping to rejoice, even just a little in the strength and character of my husband, my Sir and if anything get support from ‘blog land’. An intellectual debate I was not expecting, and judging by the train wreck that followed, obviously not prepared for either. I guess that tends to happen when you are sleep deprived and stressed.
      You have raised a couple good points and first off I’m inclined to agree that at a different point in my life I would have had a much more difficult time maintaining my submissive balance. Ten years ago I wouldn’t have been able to trust (for lack of a better word) enough to keep relying on Him. Not that He wasn’t worthy, I just wasn’t ready.
      Secondly taking inventory, assessing and evolving in your relationship is a huge part of making it work and blossom for both of you! I think that’s smart, necessary and ultimately just makes you stronger, together. Personally I consider that growth ….
      Now that I’m in a much less painful place and clearer mindset, what I would say to anyone reading is “Yes it is possible, it can be done and keep striving!”
      Thank you again, and all the best!


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