Prelude to a ….. D/s relationship?

The potato masher situation …. 😀

When Sir and I were just dating, before He even proposed I think, we went shopping for supplies for my first apartment. I needed a potato masher. Sir always did like my cooking although at the time it wasn’t nearly as good as what it could have been! LOL Anyway, we went together and He found one that looked like this …

 I wasn’t sold on the idea, I was hoping for something different and told Him as much, politely of course, we have always had that between us, but I did tell Him I was thinking of something else. He proceeded to tell me how well it would work and He was sure it was the right choice, so like a good little girl I let Him choose! That was over 20 years ago and I have disliked that potato masher ever since! For a variety of different reasons I have a hard time using it, I’m short the counter tops are too high and I really can’t get enough leverage to make the task easy. On the bright side I get a very good arm work out …. but not really what I wanted every time I mash potatoes.

I have hinted and pointed for years that I would prefer something that looks more like this! It is much easier to clean and for me much easier to use. He has said to just grab one over time but I guess my mind tells me that He bought the first one so He should change it out for the new one. It was His choice and therefore His to change? I don’t know, things that get stuck in our heads don’t always have to make sense they just happen!

So finally last month, after more than 20 years of using that darn potato masher Sir finally brought home the new one! 😀 I have already tried it out twice and must say for me it works wonderfully! It is so much easier to use and does a great job of making silky smooth potatoes.

Sir finally asked me if I liked it and I said ‘Yes Sir!’ and he mentioned that I could have gotten a new one anytime but I told Him that to me it was going against what He had wanted and therefore I couldn’t. So He says that I’m a nutty bunny, and I say Yes Sir, but just for you!

He’s starting to see and remember all these types of things now, I think my secret is out! XD

Love You Sir! ❤ and my new masher!! LOL


The Emotional Masochist

The BDSM helps with the physical pain, that’s a no brainer! The endorphins that get released into your system act as a natural pain killer. The harder you play, the more you get and the longer it lasts …. easy enough to understand.

When it comes to emotional pain however I’m afraid the effect is fleeting at best and not dealing with but instead hiding from the emotional baggage that is bringing you down.


BSDM helps me deal with emotional pain in the manner that it calms me and relaxes me but that is simply in preparation for dealing with the crap the world throws at me, not instead of dealing with it.

Instead of writing a book today I will skip to the end and say that most mental and emotional stress is self imposed and can only truly be dealt with by yourself. It normally takes the form of self acceptance, forgiveness and the idea that even though we are not perfect we are worth saving and we do deserve to be happy.

No one can make that decision but you and no one can take it away but you.

I decided long ago that in order to achieve this state in my own life I needed to be the best I could with what I knew, and what I had at any given moment. I had to accept that I am not perfect and I will make mistakes but everything I do is with an open heart and a clear conscience.

 I hold myself responsible for my own actions and will make emends when I mess up but I will not hold myself responsible for the words or actions of others. I do not control the world, only myself and my reaction to it.


Like my brother so eloquently put it Life is like a game of chess, being upset because the pieces moved the way they always move is ridiculous. If you walk up to the board you should know what to expect, it’s your choice whether or not you play!

Most of us put ourselves into the same trauma and the same situation over and over and can’t figure out why we feel so bad. Or we push our feeling and thoughts deep deep down and think that means it is gone … well it is not.

Even without the masochism, I think a huge part of the allure of submission is the quest for self acceptance and peace. Unfortunately no matter how good your dominant it will never happen if you don’t first allow it for yourself.

Image result for self acceptance

It a nut shell I try to be my best always, I accept that I am not perfect but I try even when it’s not convenient or in MY best interest to do the right thing, I can look at myself in the mirror and I can sleep with a clear conscience. If something I’ve done gets in the way of that I pull up my big girl panties and fix it, and if it’s something someone else has done then I accept that they are not perfect either.

The End 🙂

Love You Sir, Always ❤


Masochist by necessity?

Shower talk ….. (things that go through my head when performing menial tasks)

Do you think there is a group of people who have actually become/evolved into masochists simply out of necessity?

By this I mean people who are just naturally in pain more often then they are not. For one reason or another whether mental or physical or both, they/we are just always dealing with one form of pain or another.

One way to carry on would be to hate the pain, complain constantly, forever try to fix the pain, medicate the pain, deal with the pain in some way. More often then not this method does not work and you end up frustrated, tired, annoyed and even depressed …..

The other method would be to actually embrace the pain, learn to accept it and even learn to love it …. It becomes part of your happy state of mind, no longer controlling you. If you can’t beat it, join it! A mental defense against the physical …..

I’m not talking about spankings or nipple play or anything that is directly related to your erogenous zones …. I mean the more intense and less erotic types of pain that our minds turns into turn-ons, into R&R that really have no other reason for being that except that we have decided it is so.

Is that why we miss our ‘play time’ so much when we don’t get it? It’s taking away our defenses.

Or maybe I’m just crazy ……. ! 😛


It makes sense now ….

Well I think all the physical stuff yesterday makes sense now, at least from what I have pieced together.

After speaking to a few new friends (and Sir) I realize that A I’m not whining or complaining and even if I was to, it is my blog so be it! and B maybe some of these things are shared among others of us out there and it can be helpful to shed light or simply say ‘you are not alone’! Of course the main objective is to inform my Sir and He needs all the information.

So from what I can hypothesize all the crazy physical issues yesterday were a combination of my cycle finally deciding to start and the fact that I went to the chiropractor just this past weekend. I hadn’t been since 2011 so there was obviously a lot of adjustment to make.

Either of those things on their own would bring discomfort for a while but the two together made it feel like I had been run over by a truck and hit by a softball a couple inches up from my tailbone. Yeah, I was in great shape! It was a rough night of sleep, I had to use pillows to keep my hips aligned but I did manage some shut eye. Still feeling pretty rough this morning but I’m pretty sure the worst is over for now and with some stretches and exercise I should be back to my normal! 🙂

I am focusing on making it through my work day and then curling up in your lap Sir …. I hope you’re feeling better too!

Love You Always ❤


My Submissive Journey brought me … strength.

I find myself in an interesting position and I’m not really sure what to make of it, or maybe I am but just don’t want to admit it….!

My logical and emotional self says that there are good people out there, the world is not a bad place even though there are bad people in it there are also many good and trying to be good ones too.

My self preservation says don’t trust anyone, don’t let them see your true self, don’t let them see that you can be hurt. More to the point don’t expect any kindness and you won’t be hurt!

My logical and emotional self says this is not a good way to live, you will never be fulfilled and forever have a very hollow existence. It says that the connection and promise is worth the possible hurt and that no matter what I will make it through.

My self preservation says you might not make it through another weak moment. It says you couldn’t handle it when you needed to most and you have done enough damage to yourself. It says you can run, but you can not hide from the evil in this land.

My true self battles with these two halves everyday, and my submissive half says “Oh Yes I Can, I have backup!’

You help me be better Sir, you help me be open …..

Love You Always ❤



When it rains, it pours …

Well, since you wanted to know …..

I’m not totally comfortable about posting when I’m not feeling well because I feel like other people out there will think I’m whining, and I hate whining!

Maybe if I write a bit of history whomever is reading will either believe it or not but I can at least let you know …. then you decide. (Again I feel like I’m whining! ugh!!)

I have more physical issues then you can shake a stick at, some I was born with some byproducts of a very trying childhood and yet others due to mishaps as life goes on and now of course the menoBeast to really make things interesting!

My current career choice is anything but physically easy and days off do not happen. In the past 13+ years I have had 1 sick day. This alone should tell you just how much I whine or take the easy way out.

So unfortunately today is one of those physically trying days. Everything hurts in some way or another and the seemingly simple task of walking is proving a challenge. Fighting off whatever ‘bug’ has infiltrated the house is only making things more exhausting. It is/will be a long day physically and mentally.

So there you have it, figuring out how to put one foot in front of the other without falling over is taking up all my mental faculties at this time and so I really have nothing else to post about or report Sir! 😀

I went to bed feeling okay and woke up feeling like this ….. fingers crossed for tomorrow! The good news is that despite my obvious physical angst my emotional state is great! Thank you for taking care of that earlier Sir! 😉

Love You Always Sir ❤


Learning opportunity

Okay, so here goes … total honesty time.

You Sir are not feeling well, you have not been feeling well for almost a week now and don’t seem to be getting any better.

My ‘vanilla’ self (for ease of explanation) says that I should not bother you right now and I should keep things to myself, essentially making the decision for you that you don’t need to deal with me right now.

My ‘submissive’ self says it is required that I tell you all important things that are going on with me whether I think you need to hear it right now or not. The choice as to how to proceed is yours and not mine to make.

So what DO you prefer in this case? It’s not that you can physically do anything about this particular issue, but do you want the added task/stress/responsibility of knowing?

Realistically you might choose that I tell you now or you might choose that unless it’s an emergency it can wait …… since they are both perfectly acceptable, which do you want me to follow Sir?

Love You Always ❤



To kink, or not to kink …. ?

I’m not sure just what I would do if I no longer had my husband/partner/Sir/Master with me for whatever reason. Not that I think there is any reason to believe that will happen anytime soon which I guess makes it easier to wonder about it, I know nothing will change anytime soon so it is safe to do so. Just thinking out loud I guess …

I am certainly a masochist, sexual or not I enjoy pain, real pain. Unfortunately I have been through a time in my life that the physical pain was easier to deal with then the emotional pain, and so I started inflicting pain on myself. This took on many forms but at the end of it it left no room for thinking and I guess that’s what I needed, maybe still need?

That being said, I am not a submissive personality in general. I have no problem submitting to Sir but He earned the right a long time ago. I don’t honestly believe I would give another the opportunity to do so, I just don’t need it, not anymore. Sir has helped me beat my demons …. I no longer damage myself with my need for pain, I have found a better way to manage.

In short I am a dominant with a masochistic streak, I submit to One and I trust no one else …. where does that leave me in this kinky world? Anyone?

I love the mind f#%k and can pull it off with the best of them but I am not a sadist ….. hummm.


Feeling a bit ‘flat’

I’m not complaining, that is exactly what I don’t want you to think but I am supposed to tell you how I am feeling and how things affect me, so here goes….

I’ve gotten used to a certain amount of kink and a certain amount of other contact from you and not having it this week is starting to wear thin. I guess your body kind of gets programmed into rhythms and mine is certainly noticing that something is missing.

Trying to sneak in a few minutes of togetherness when you are not feeling well is not easy and trying to play is even harder. I know that, I understand that, I just don’t really like it very much! 😛 LOL

As you know things with family have gotten slightly interesting again and I do rely on the BDSM or impact play at the very least to keep my mind clear and centered for that as well. So I guess I just now realized that I am asking for a fairly intense session once you are finally feeling right as rain Sir. I think I’m in need of some de-stressing before it actually becomes an issue.

Can’t wait till you’re better! Love You Always ❤

(I feel better already just telling you about it!)



Chiropractor appointment, check!

I have finally made it in to the chiropractor, just this morning! I’m feeling much better already. I know I should be going on a regular basis but although I can take very good care of everyone else  I always seem to slack off tremendously on myself! (I can just see all your heads nodding in agreement, you all know what I mean.)

I suppose that was one of the self serving things I was hoping to get out of this dynamic. Sir has the power, what He says goes so if He sees I need an appointment He will tell me to make one. Well it hasn’t quite worked out that way, at least not yet. I know I’m still very much in charge of my own well being but I guess that was part of the ‘story book’ in my own mind, He would force me to take care of myself.

I can’t even give you a real reason as to why I don’t. I don’t want to waste the time or money on myself I guess. Not that either of those things are an issue when it comes to anyone else, just me. Who knows, the mind can be such a complicated thing …..

So I set up a follow up appointment for basic maintenance and I plan on sticking to the schedule that the doctor suggested. Huge step for me, I did it! 😀

Feeling better physically is going to help me serve Him better and keep my mind where it needs to be when He requires my attention, at least that is what I am telling myself so that I don’t feel guilty about going. Funny how some things in our past are buried so deep we can never seem to escape them, only face them, manage them and keep moving forward!

Love You Always Sir ❤