Journey to becoming nijntje …

I feel like we’ve been doing this dance a long time now Sir. For a long while I was dancing alone, practicing the steps but they were going unnoticed. Eventually you started to drift away, you got deaf to the music I guess ….. it was nothing more then back ground noise and you tuned me out. I guess I was left with a decision to make, let the music die or turn it up ….

 

I can’t say I understood just how much these things I read about would effect you. I thought the kneeling and collars and such were all very cute and great to incorporate into our kinky play time but I really didn’t think they would hold such a high value in your eyes.

Since the beginning I have treated you with respect, always tried to be honest and never wanted to hurt your feelings. I always picked my words wisely, I know how what you say and hurt someone and I’ve always believed in being kind; but still you drifted away….. I never tried to be better then you and I have always put your needs first. Some how in there you got the idea that I was better then you? Too strong to need anyone, even you?

The entire time when I was trying to handle everything and make it easy for you I think I was actually tearing you down and making you feel redundant maybe? I know you started to resent me, even if it was at an unconscious level, but you did. I could feel it in the way you talked and walked around me, or cursed under your breath. Those were not good days, those were the days that made me search for the answer ….

You weren’t the only one changing, I started to get mouthy with you, I was lashing out in anger to cover my hurt. My moment of crisis was when I realized I was planning my day without a thought to what would please you most….After almost 18 years of thinking of you I had just made a decision without putting you first. I was immediately so uncomfortable I was crawling out of my own skin. Something had to change and I knew it had to be me.

I know you were very uncomfortable the first few times I knelt for you, you likely didn’t think you deserved the honour. It was a strange time for both of us. I had just realized I needed more from you and you were just getting the message that I did need you. I think it was the first time I actually told you out loud that I valued your opinion and needed your support. I’m not sure if you really believed it but I know you do now!

The more I am honest with you and give my problems over to you the stronger you get. The more I let you help me and take over the less stressed you seem to be. The more I trust you to take responsibility the faster you rise to the challenge. The moral of this story is that me doing everything was not making you happy, me letting you do your job does. The kneeling, the collar, the sitting at your feet and all the rest simply shows you I still need you to guide me and I think that is what you really enjoy about the gestures.

 

 

I was dancing alone for so long and when it comes right down to it, it was my own fault.

All I had to do was ask you to join me ….

 

3 thoughts on “Journey to becoming nijntje …

  1. This gave me chills because so much of what you wrote could be me. I realize now that when I am struggling most with my submission, is precisely when I have not really given it all to Him. I have not knelt before Him and said some of those beaitiful words you wrote.

    This is a very moving and emotional post for me.
    Thank you for writing some of what I am afraid (?) to say to my beloved – to lay it all out in the open. I don’t know why. He accepts all, it is me who has the inner struggle!

    therebelliousangel

    Liked by 1 person

    1. After years of struggle I have realized that the person we don’t believe in is ourselves. We don’t believe we are worthy of that kind of love and acceptance and we therefor don’t lay it all out for them to have, hold and cherish. I finally realized that if He loved me, maybe I should too! 🙂 XO

      Liked by 1 person

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