Not feeling quite this raw today but still needing you to know:
When we were playing I was feeling great about being there for you and the fact that you decided to start working on what we did was good too, I already said I would try it and I haven’t changed my mind. I just wanted to start by saying that and that I know and feel that you did nothing wrong and everything right!
Afterwards however I had a bunch of emotions going through me and I just knew we weren’t going to have time to deal with them before we fell asleep. Sure enough you were snoring in a heartbeat! 🙂 Again, it was really late and you did nothing wrong but those are the facts and that means I went to sleep with thoughts and feelings that I know are not rational but they are still real and need to be addressed. Well mostly I just went to sleep but they all hit me first thing in the morning…. again. I had tears in my eyes when we were done and perhaps you hadn’t noticed.
I spent the day missing you very much and waiting for you to come home and talk to me and make it all better. I guess I thought it would have been as emotional a connection to you as it was for me, maybe I was just more raw than I thought. I had expected you would be running to the computer to see if I had written about it and what I had to say since it was a new experience and pushing limits that had gone very poorly in the past. We also had no time for discussion about what happened and how it went so that was another reason I thought you would have been looking …. or asking.
You did finally mention it in the evening and I was hopeful that we would finally sit down and you would want to know my feelings, but that did not happen. Then life took over again as I knew it would, I knew we had errands to run and they could not be put off so I was steeling myself once more to wait. Just maybe we could start to talk about it while we were out, perhaps that was why you were adamant about me going with you…
In any case I spent the day trying to deal with feeling slutty and not very lady like. Certainly not like a respectable professional mother of two… I don’t feel like I got the reassurance from you that I was okay and nothing was wrong and that as a matter of fact everything was very right and I pleased you very much and that was all that mattered. That you still respected me and looked up to me for my self and my values and I had nothing to be ashamed about.
In one way or another you help me get rid of these feelings of shame and anger with myself and then I grow and get stronger and closer to you …. but I am missing that right now.
Neither of us was well enough to even focus on the errands we were running and by the time we got home it was amazing we did what we needed to in order to prepare for today. By the time you read my words your mind was already fried and frankly so was mine and so here I sit, writing this out and waiting for your help ……